


Face to Face

by Destructyon



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: (assumed) past poisoning, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Assertive Connor, Awkward Boners, Betrayal, Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900 are Siblings, Connor is a content creator, Connor is whiny and doubts everything, Connor vs Nines, Connor wants to be an actor, Drunk Gavin Reed, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fear of poison, Good Dog Sumo (Detroit: Become Human), Hank is supportive but very blunt about it, He is like Bryan Dechart tbh, Heavy Angst, He’s an awkward smol lil bean, I'm Sorry, Jealous Gavin Reed, Lies, Light Shower Action, Loss of Trust, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Nightmares, Nines is a dick, Physical Abuse (kinda), RK900's name is Nines, Reed800 is underrated, Self-Esteem Issues, Small boy big dreams, Soft Gavin is Best Gavin, Supportive Hank Anderson, The club bathroom sex scene every Reed800/Convin story needs, Truths, cam sex, livestreams, makes videos, no slow burn allowed, sloppy blowjobs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-06-28 18:41:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15712872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destructyon/pseuds/Destructyon
Summary: Connor is a streamer and creator of videos. Gavin, who started out as a fan and became his best friend sometime along the journey, finally agrees to meeting in person after years of only texting and talking on the phone. Will things go right for once?





	1. Soon

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovely Deviants!  
> This is my first fanfiction on AO3, and the first publication in years just in general.  
> So please be kind, I'm smol and sensitive.
> 
> Excuse my language bla, not a native English speaker bla, still learning bla,  
> feeling a bit uncomfortable with it but I really wanted to share my love for this game (and this ship) with the world!
> 
> Enjoy!

„What are you doing?“

Nines approached the smaller man on the desk.

„I‘m editing a new video“, Connor smiled shyly.

He never knew when his brother would be in a bad mood about his job. Nines didn’t approve of Connor‘s social media presence and thought of it as highly unacceptable.

„Being a whore, as usual“, he stated, no hint of humor in his voice.

„Stop calling me that! It‘s not like I‘m a porn star or something!“

Connor closed his laptop, blocking his older brother from seeing any more of his work.

 

„What difference does it make? You‘re selling yourself on the internet. People pay to see you. It wouldn’t take much for you to cross the next line.“

„Shut up already“, Connor mumbled, even though he knew he would regret saying it out loud.

„What did you say, Connor?“

„Nothing.“

„Use your words. What did you just say?“

 

There was no way out. No matter if he repeated his words, or refused to talk.

Nines never let any disrespect slip without consequences.

„I didn’t mean it, I‘m sorry“, Connor apologized.

„I bet you are, but how are you going to prove it?“

„... I‘ll think of something.“

Without any further words the older one turned around, leaving his frustrated brother alone.

 

Connor sighed. He didn’t know how to prove Nines he was sorry. Because in all honesty, he really wasn’t. But Connor‘s passion as an online personality hadn’t quite passed the level of counting as a reliable job yet. At this point he still depended on his brother’s income.

 

He decided to postpone his decision to a later moment. What mattered now was this video.

Connor opened his laptop again, checking his social media accounts before going back to work. He had a few messages to answer, but he actually only cared about one of those.

 

_Gavin: Hey Con!_

 

Reading his friend‘s name on the screen made his face light up.

 

_Connor: Hey Gavin_

_Gavin: what‘re you up to?_

_Connor: Nothing much, got into another fight with my brother..._

_Gavin: wow does he ever stop being a bitch to you damn_

_Connor: It doesn’t matter._

_Gavin: how about I call you later? I know it‘s your editing time now but we could talk in like an hour? If you want that is_

 

Connor couldn’t help but smile at the fact that Gavin knew his schedule by heart. To think that he ever had to endure this life without his friend... he didn’t want to waste a single thought on it.

 

_Connor: I would love that_

_Gavin: okay, so I‘ll call you at 9:30?_

_Connor: Yeah that‘s perfect_

 

Connor closed the messenger and continued editing his new video. He thought about doing another life update, it had been requested a lot lately.

But was there anything to be told? Did anything change in the last few months since the last update?

„Not really“, Connor sighed to himself.

He was really grateful for every bit of interest he got on his accounts. That was his source of income, after all.But he never knew if he did enough.

 

It seemed like only 5 minutes passed, but when he got an incoming call from Gavin, he knew it must have been an hour.

„Hellooooo“, Gavin immediately screamed as soon as Connor picked up.

„Rude”, Connor responded, trying to sound as serious as possibly, but he couldn’t help but let out a giggle.

“Don’t act like you’re able to be mad at me.”

“You don’t even know.”

 

Gavin asked Connor about his day, asked what happened to make his brother mad again. They talked about meaningless things for a while, until Gavin cleared his throat in an overly dramatic manner.

“You know, Connor, I thought about it.”

“About what?”, Connor asked curiously.

There was only one thing Gavin could be referring to, but Connor still wanted to hear it from him.

“Meeting up. And I think we should do it. I’ll be in your area for the weekend.”

 _“This weekend?_ So you mean tomorrow _?”_

Connor couldn’t believe it. For so long Gavin refused to meet him in person. He feared that it might change their relationship, since he described himself as ‘hideous’ and he didn’t want Connor to see him and run away.  And even though Connor never told him, it really hurt that Gavin even _considered_ him being that shallow. Especially since they were friends for about four years now. Almost five years if he counted the time back when Gavin was just a ‘fan’.

 

“Yeah. Are you free?”, the fear of rejection in Gavin’s voice made him stutter a bit.

“What do you mean _‘are you free’_? Of course I am!”

“Oh”, a tiny noise came from Gavin’s end of the line, “That’s great! If things go as planned I’ll arrive at around 2.”

“Alright, then I’ll pick you up!”

 

They talked about a few more details, planning their weekend together.

And for a moment – even if it was just a short one – Connor forgot about his worries.

No work, no time limits, no money issues, _no Nines_.

 

“Connor!”, his brother yelled from behind the door while knocking vigorously, “Stop talking already.”

Nines always had the best timing when it came to reminding him that there was no way of escaping this hell.

“Yeah, just a minute!”, Connor answered, adding a sigh that only him and Gavin could hear.

“He’s terrible.”

Gavin never held back his opinion, not even if it was about Connor’s family.

“He sure is. But he must be doing something right. Always getting his way.”

“Whatever. I should get back to packing anyway.”

“Okay, do that. I’ll edit some more and go to sleep.”

 

Connor tried to be calm, tried to hide his excitement. He couldn’t.

“I can’t believe we’re finally going to meet.”

“Don’t expect too much. You’ll be disappointed.”

Gavin was always confident, assertive and not shy of an offensive comment.

But when it really came to himself he drowned in an ocean of pity and self-consciousness.

“I’m sure I’m gonna fall in love the second I see you.”

 

Connor said it like it was supposed to be a joke, but both of them knew they had already fallen for each other a long time ago. Everything had changed; words, tone, the amount of time they spend together in their own kind of way. And if there was any doubt left; they even talked on the phone at night until one of them fell asleep. None of them wanted to risk their friendship over some stupid emotions though, so naturally they kept quiet about anything that indicated more than _bro feels_.

 

„You mean you‘ll fall out of love.“

Gavin started laughing. It sounded cheerful but Connor knew that he was trying to suppress his fear.

„Next to you I look even more like a potato sack, so maybe we shouldn’t be seen toge-“

„Stop. I don‘t care. I wouldn’t even care if you were an actual potato sack. You‘re my friend and I like you. Good night!“

Connor hung up the phone without waiting for a response. He didn’t have to, Gavin would’ve just continued talking poorly about himself.

Of course Connor didn’t know what Gavin looked like.  _But did it matter?_

 

„Open the door“, he heard Nines request, who apparently didn’t get away from his room earlier.

Connor got out of bed, put on a pair of sweatpants and unlocked his door.

“Who were you talking to? This Garrett guy?”

“Yes”, Connor answered with a forced smile.

He never told Nines the correct names when it came to his friends, mainly out of pure fear that Nines might hunt them down and do whatever to them. Not that he’d done it before but Connor didn’t feel like trying.

“He doesn’t like you, Connor. The sooner you understand that people only like your online persona the better you’ll be at dealing with it.”

“You don’t understand it. He is my friend, okay?”

 

Nines gave him a look that didn’t mean any good.

“I don’t understand it? So you’re calling me stupid?”

“That’s not what I said! I’m just so sick of you being judgmental and putting me down all the time!”, he yelled out, not even hesitating a second.

“Okay”, Nines whispered with a malicious smile on his lips.

He grabbed the younger one by his chin, lifting his face a bit and forcing their eyes to meet.

“He’ll prove you soon enough. Don’t come begging for help and support when he fucks you over.”

 

Connor broke free from the touch, pushing his brother off of him.

“You can leave now”, his voice was barely audible but he knew Nines heard it loud and clear.

With all his above average senses he seemed more like a machine anyway.

_Was he even human?_

Nines turned around and left without another comment. He didn’t threaten Connor for talking back and even _giving him orders_ , but it was only a matter of time until he would.

 

Connor pushed his dark thoughts aside. He accepted the illusion of safety into is heart and focused on the only thing that mattered now.

_Gavin._


	2. Of Sneaky Kisses And Unanswered Phone Calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :D
> 
> I’ve taken the liberty to change some birth years, here’s an overview:  
> Gavin Reed (25), born October 7, 2012  
> Connor (23), born August 15, 2014  
> Nines (33), born November 12, 2004
> 
> It‘s time for our boys to meet. Have fun ♡

He tried. He really did. But no matter how many times he almost made it, his thoughts always caught up with the exhaustion in his body. He turned around, lying on his stomach now.

 

_2 a.m._

 

As much as he didn’t want to be worn out by the time he picked up Gavin, he still couldn’t manage to fall asleep. Counting sheep? No chance. Counting to 1000? Nope. Counting back from 1000? Nah. But giving up was not an option, he needed all the energy to properly show Gavin his town.

 

The thought of his friend send a shiver down his spine. A familiar sensation crawled towards his lower regions, making him moan softly. Connor impatiently pulled down the boxer briefs and started massaging his growing erection. It was inappropriate. Using your friend to get off? Nasty, gross, weird. Since he had never even seen a picture of Gavin he didn’t have a face or body in mind, he solely touched himself while imagining a warm, loving, caring  _personality_.

 

„If that isn’t fucked up...“, Connor panted heavily.

He wasn’t an advocate of foul language, but even he had his limits and knew when it was acceptable to let himself go. His grip around his shaft tightened. Stroking it faster, slower, faster again. This took way too long, didn’t he try to sleep just minutes ago?

 

_3 a.m._

 

„Please... mhh...“

Connor let out another moan and came into his hand, cum spreading over his sheets. He tried getting his heavy breathing under control. Letting the waves of his orgasm slowly die down was his favorite part. In moments like this he allowed himself to be fragile, exposed, vulnerable. Only to himself though, letting others into his _intimate_ privacy was something he had never been good at, which resulted in him avoiding any kind of romantic interests.

 

„Having fun there?“

Connor froze.  _The door wasn’t locked?_ _!_ Locking it was the most important part of his nightly routine, how could he forget about it? He knew he couldn’t hide, but that didn’t stop him from pressing his face into the pillow. It was like playing hide and seek as kids. Covering your eyes, thinking „I can‘t see you, so you can‘t see me!“

But this wasn’t a playground and neither Connor nor Nines were children anymore.

 

„Such a naughty boy“, Nines chuckled.

Everything Nines did radiated danger, even something as simple as a chuckle.

Connor, still lying on his stomach, didn’t dare to turn around and face his brother.

Was it embarrassment that he felt? Or fear? He wasn’t sure if mankind had come up with a word fitting for his situation. Anyhow, he couldn’t think of it.

 

Connor flinched as he felt Nines sitting down next to him. The older one turned on the small lamp on the nightstand to get a better view.

„Just look at the mess you’ve made.“

Connor lifted his head, and let his gaze drift to his body fluids on the sheets. But there was something else. A reflection, his reflection. On the long, clean, thin surface of a knife‘s blade.

 _„N-Nines...?“,_  was the last word he spoke before he felt the knife enter his lower back.

 

 

Connor woke up screaming. He felt disoriented even though he immediately recognized his room. Everything seemed surreal, foreign. He reached for the knife, screaming even louder when he couldn’t find it. How was he supposed to _make the pain stop_ if he couldn’t remove the knife?

Maybe he was wrong about Nines being a machine. Was he an evil wizard? Did his haunted knife soak into his body, leaving him permanently damaged?

 

„Connor, what‘s going on?! It‘s 5 in the morning!“

The familiar voice dragged him out of his dreamlike state, making the shadows around him disappear and take back their original form as regular furniture. Huh…

“I-I’m alright…!”, Connor responded, feeling like he was simultaneously yelling and whispering.

 _That doesn’t make sense,_ he thought to himself, but what even was logic in this exact moment?

“Are you sure? Screaming like a little bitch getting _stabbed_!”, Nines seemed to know what he was going through, “Get out of there right now!”

“I don’t wanna…”

“ _Now!_ ”

 

Once again there was no escape. Sometimes he wondered what scared him more. His nightmares or reality. At least his nightmares always came to an end eventually; his reality on the other hand was bound to last forever. Until the day he died. Connor was shaking when he forced himself out of bed to let his brother in, and was almost immediately grabbed by the collar of his shirt.

“Whatever just happened, make sure it doesn’t happen again”, Nines grunted into his ear, “Unlike you I have to work. So if you want to fucking keep that waste of time you call a _job,_ you better shut the fuck up and let me get my sleep! Or are you the one paying our bills?”

“…No…”

“Who cares for you and provides the necessities for your slutty lifestyle?”

“…You...”

“And how exactly do you express your gratitude? Oh wait I’ll tell you. You wake me up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason!”

“Nines, I… I’m sorry, alright? I had a nightmare, that’s it.”

 

Connor held back the tears, he wanted this to be over. Nines glared at him for a bit more, but lost interest since Connor didn’t fight back at all. Maybe he just tried to provoke a reaction out of the younger one. Giving his bullying validation built on his own morals and concepts of fairness. He pushed Connor harshly, causing him to fall to the ground.

“You have the weekend to yourself”, he then announced, back to his regular neutral expression, “I’ll be back on Monday. Consider using that time to think about your future, Connor. My patience with you is running low.“

 

Nines left his room, didn’t say a word, didn’t close the door. Obviously. Connor got up and shut it silently before returning into his bed. And even though he should’ve been terrified the only thing he felt was relief. He could take Gavin to his home without worrying how Nines would react. _Gavin..._ A tiny smile spread across Connor‘s face despite the terror of the last few minutes, and stayed there until he fell asleep soon after.

 

~

 

It was 3:30 already and Gavin was nowhere to be found. _Didn’t he say 2_? He wasn’t responding to messages or accepting the phone calls either. Connor couldn’t help but worry. Did something happen to him? He let his eyes wander around, not knowing what to even look for. He had seen some people acting suspicious, but when they took pictures of him he brushed them off as viewers who were just too shy to approach him. It happened a lot. People telling him they‘d seen him in real life but got scared and didn’t say hello. Was he scary? Was that what happened to Gavin, too? Maybe he saw his best friend standing there, like a terrifying monster and lost int-...

 

„Connor.“

 

He spun around, eyeing the man standing before him. He was...

„You can close your mouth, idiot“, Gavin laughed nervously, „... that bad?“

Connor got closer, noticed the height difference between them, the short brown hair and the grey eyes blazed with insecurity. Connor extended his hand and caressed the scar on the bridge of Gavin’s nose.

„Don’t gotta be so extra about it. Just say my face makes you wanna puke and get it over with.“

 

Connor pulled the shorter man into a tight hug and waited for him to return it. When he felt Gavin’s arms around his waist he leaned down, putting his lips on Gavin’s ear.

„I think you‘re really handsome.“

„Wow,  _calm down_!“

Gavin pulled away and looked at Connor in pure disbelief. He was uncomfortable, that much was obvious. And Connor knew it was rude to stare  _but damn_ , Gavin was everything he wanted and more.

 

„We should go. Everyone‘s staring“, Gavin announced while trying to stay calm.

People knew Connor, and he didn’t feel like putting up with crazy fangirls.

„Yeah sure“, Connor responded with a huge smile on his face.

He led the way, trying not to give Gavin a constant side eye. All these nights he let himself get dirty over his best friend came to his mind, forcing a blush onto his face.

„You alright?“, Gavin asked, „Does the ugly bother you?“

„ _The ugly_? If you‘re ugly then I‘ll better hang myself cause that would make me a troll or something.“

 

Gavin didn’t feel like smiling, but Connor always managed to put a smile on his face.

„Yeah yeah, whatever. Don‘t fuck with me.“

Connor wanted to say something. Many things actually. But none of those things were appropriate. How he wanted to kiss the scar on Gavin’s nose, how he wanted to go down on this knees and be good for Gavin, capture his smell and taste. Definitely inappropriate. So he decided to switch topics.

„Soooo how was the trip?”, he asked curiously.

“Too damn long. Next time I’ll just fly over here, nothing funny about 14 hours of sitting on a fucking train.”

 _Next time._ Gavin was already talking about the next time. Connor’s smile grew bigger.

 “What do you want to do now? I could show you around?“

„I‘m pretty tired to be honest. I should head to my hotel first and get some rest.“

„Hotel?“, Connor repeated, confused, „You‘re staying with me.“

„Hell no, Connor, you wouldn’t want that.“

 

A battle of stubborn stares broke out between them.

„I want you, Gavin“, Connor ended the silence and added a soft smile, „I anticipated this so much, please don’t take it from me.“

„What about Nines though? Isn’t he gonna freak out when he sees you with another guy?“

Connor rolled his eyes, instantly feeling like a little child begging their parents to buy some candy.

„He‘s gone for the weekend, we have the house all to ourselves.  _Please, Gavin._ “

Gavin sighed at Connors plea, and being as soft-hearted as he was he agreed on staying with the younger man. 

„Okay, fine. But only cause you asked so nicely.“

 

Connor gave him a nod, holding back his excitement. It was hard but he didn’t want to make Gavin more uncomfortable than he already was. He made his way through the parking lot, ultimately ending the journey next to Nines’ car he borrowed.

“Is this yours?!”, Gavin gasped at the sight of the brand new, deep blue convertible.

Connor opened the trunk with the button on the key, and Gavin threw the bag with his stuff for the weekend in before closing it.

“No, it’s Nines’”, Connor admitted and placed himself on the driver seat, “I prefer spending my money on new equipment. You wanna go?”

Gavin hesitated for just a second before taking a seat next to Connor, who pressed a few buttons to open the convertible top. He made sure to deactivate autonomous driving and set off.

 

“How do I look driving?”, he asked with a wink in Gavin’s direction.

“Smokin’ hot, pretty boy”, Gavin responded while trying to keep his sanity.

They talked like this all the time, but being the first time doing so in person felt off. It felt more... real. Was it even okay to call his best friend ‘pretty’? He really didn’t know. And right now didn’t seem like the proper time to think about it.

 

The ride to Connor’s house wasn’t a long one. Gavin noticed the nice houses they drove past, but he was still taken by surprise when Connor opened the gate in front of them by pressing a button on the car’s console. Connor parked the car in the middle of the driveway, getting out and calling on Gavin to follow him. Just the front door was intimidating, and he wasn’t sure how well he could handle the inside area. This was not a damn house. This was a fucking mansion.

„This place is crazy.“

Gavin looked around and felt like he was stuck in one those TV shows where rich bastards showed off their cribs. He followed Connor inside.

„I hope it‘s not too much“, Connor said with an apologetic smirk, „I‘ll show you around later. Sleep comes first.“

 

They took the stairs, shiny black marble, to get to the second floor. Gavin stayed close to Connor, trying not to lose him in this damn maze of a palace, and soon they reached Connor’s room. It had a different vibe to it, warm and cozy, whereas the rest of the mansion felt cold and clinically clean.

„So uhh, take the bed if you want”, Connor offered with a small gesture to the bed that, while looking divinely inviting, was way too large for one person alone.

„Yeah, thanks.“

Gavin dropped his bag, unbuttoned his pants and took them off, all while trying to ignore the fact that Connor was standing right next to him. He then climbed into the bed and covered himself with the thin blanket. It was June, yes, and way too hot for a blanket, but he couldn’t sleep without one.

„Is it okay if I stream for a bit? I‘ll try to be quiet“, Connor asked for permission.

He didn’t have to, but in his eyes it was a matter of respect.

„Sure, go ahead, I don‘t mind.“

 

The taller one got over to his desk and started arranging his set up. Gavin didn’t get to watch him for too long as he fell asleep almost immediately.

„I‘m sorry if I start screaming, you know I tend to get-... oh.“

Connor looked over to his best friend who wasn’t in a state to listen to him anymore. It was wrong, he knew that. But he still couldn’t stop himself from lying down next to him.

„Gavin...?“ _No response._

He leaned over, got closer, pressed his lips against Gavin’s.

„So soft...“, he murmured, moving his lips even more. He stopped when Gavin let out a groan and turned around, showing off his -unfortunately covered- back. Connor touched him gently, putting delicate kisses all over his neck.

„Why are you so attractive? This makes everything even worse...“

 

He forced himself off of his best friend, who he just happened to have a huge appetite for. How could this handsome man describe himself as hideous? It was quite the opposite, but Connor knew better than to start a serious argument about it. Gavin had always been stubborn. No chance. Another sigh escaped his lips before he sat down in front of his computer and went online. He set the timer on screen to five minutes to allow his viewers to react to their notifications of him streaming unexpectedly.

 

„Hey guys!“, he started once the timer ran out, „Welcome to a new stream. My name is Connor, in case you didn’t know. I‘m sorry I didn’t get to announce this one, it wasn’t planed either so please forgive me!“

He smiled into the camera and felt every single bit of doubt and insecurity leave his body. This was what he loved to do. This was his passion, his everything.

„Let me know in the chat what we should play today, I‘m pretty indecisive. Suggest something that I‘m able to stop at any time though, I have a guest over I need to spend time with once they wake up!“

 

He looked over to Gavin, who peacefully turned over again, resting on his stomach now. His viewers knew Gavin, he used to be of them after all. But he was more than just that now. He was his supporter, his friend, his haven of safety and comfort. Connor wanted him to be so much more. He craved his attention, he craved physical contact, intimacy. It was a rare occurrence for him. The only other person he had ever felt this attracted to was his ex-boyfriend Hank. But now, after meeting Gavin, and getting to experience his somehow intimidating presence and beauty, Connor felt anxious.

 

 _Gavin didn’t have to put up with him._ He didn’t need to settle down for someone like Connor when he could choose anyone he wanted. Maybe that was his reason for keeping his appearance a secret. He didn’t want Connor to feel like shit because he could never stand a chance.

How considerate.

 _Get yourself together_ , Connor shook his head and banned his dark thoughts. This wasn’t the time for self-pity.

„Alright, I see you guys have some ideas, so let’s jump right into it!“

He started one of the games his viewers had suggested. It was a bubbly little RPG, just the simple and mindless distraction he needed. He kept going, playing and interacting with his viewers, appreciating every single one of them. Despite not being announced his stream still had pulled more than 20.000 people in. Pure insanity.

 

Connor was so occupied with his stream that he didn’t notice the pair of gray eyes monitoring even the tiniest movement of his fingers. Gavin smiled wide and openly, ticking off one point of his imaginary bucket list.  _Watching Connor stream/record in real life - Check._ He was even more beautiful than any monitor could possibly capture. This was different. Better.

 

The lowest yawn of all time escaped his mouth, and still it was enough to catch Connor’s attention.  _Fuck._

„Well guys, seems like duty‘s calling! Thanks for coming out, you guys never fail to impress me. Stay tuned for the next stream, that one‘s gonna be a scheduled one though, I promise! And I‘ll have a new video online tomorrow so don’t miss that one.“

Connor said his goodbyes, struggling as always to end the connection to his beloved viewers.

„What time is it?“, Gavin groaned deeply.

Connor checked his monitor and scratched his head.

„It‘s 8:42, I seem to have lost track of time.“

 

It sounded like an apology to Gavin. What even was Connor apologizing for, when he wasn’t the one who wasted almost _5 hours_ of their precious time together?

„Shut up“, he waved Connor off, „I should’ve set an alarm or something.“

He struggled himself out of bed and put his pants back on as soon as he located them on the ground.

„Well, I‘m good to go. But I think it‘s too late to do anything substantial outside.“

„Yes, it‘s going to get dark soon. How about I show you the house then?“

„I‘d like that.“

 

Connor fought the urge to take Gavin by his hand, instead they walked next to each other, their arms between them touching every few seconds, almost as if intentional. 

“Did your phone battery run out by the way? I couldn’t reach you back at the station”, Connor remembered.

“No, it was at 30% when I arrived.”

_Silence._

“So... You did receive my messages?”

“Yeah.”

“And the calls?”

“Yeah.”

 

Gavin nudged Connor’s shoulder with his own.

“To be honest I watched you for like an hour before approaching.”

“... So I _am_ scary?”, Connor was thrown back to his worries within seconds.

“No”, Gavin grinned, “You just looked too damn adorable standing there and waiting. Like a lost puppy.”

“Rude.”

Gavin laughed loudly at Connor’s indignation.

_That cheeky asshole..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for stopping by my loves (๑◔‿◔๑)


	3. “Holding hands is gay anyway” -  Gavin Reed, 2038

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Gavin when picking up each other’s call:  
> [CLICK HERE FOR PURE CONTENT ♡](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBljfCFeyEY)
> 
> I had so much trouble with the pace and development in this chapter. I got very frustrated with a couple of passages and they are super easy to spot. But I really just wanted to finally get this chapter out.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless (シ. .)シ

Connor woke up and slowly looked around his room. He had almost hoped to wake up next to a certain somebody. That this certain somebody would have decided he didn’t want to sleep alone in the guest bedroom Connor had prepared for him. But of course he didn’t crawl underneath the thin blanket, cuddling closer and closer to his best friend. Why even would he?

 

“Don’t be crazy...”, the brown eyed boy mumbled as he got out of bed.

After throwing on a loose shirt he made his way downstairs, aiming straight for the luxurious kitchen and activating the coffee machine. _I like him a lot,_ he thought and replayed yesterday’s events in his head. Gavin ended up admitting that he had been too nervous to approach Connor right away at the meeting point. So he just sat there, waiting for his nerves to calm down. _“How could you”,_ Connor remembered himself acting upset, _“And I thought something happened to you!”_ Gavin was obviously unsettled about making Connor worry about him. So the younger man laughed and hugged him briefly, showing him he wasn’t mad at all.

 

After the house tour _(“This place feels like it should be in a fucking cleaning commercial!”)_ they had spent the remaining hours of the day in Connor’s bedroom _(“Your damn bedroom is bigger than my whole place!”)_ on the comfortable couch. They watched a movie about...

“What was it even about...?”, Connor tried to remember while sipping his coffee but failed miserably at recalling the memory.

He had to admit he didn’t really focus on the movie though. His eyes were on Gavin for most of the time, and he felt like the same issue worked for Gavin as well. The older man eyed him up, noticing him getting closer, until he was cuddled up against him by the end of the movie. Gavin let it happen, even pulling him closer and gently stroking his hair. It was something they could have talked about but Connor feared it might scare the man off if he thought about it too much. So he just enjoyed the moment while it lasted. Getting out of their position once the movie ended was a bit awkward, but nowhere near unbearable.

 

Gavin had announced being tired _as fuck_ , so Connor led him to the guest room. After showing Gavin the bathroom he could use for a shower he went back to his own room, leaving his door slightly ajar. He fell asleep to the sound of running water and Gavin’s voice singing some song he didn’t know.

 

Connor took a few more sips of his coffee. He heard the sound of bare feet on the cold floor getting closer.

“Good morning, Con”, Gavin greeted with a satisfied yawn.

“Good morning.”

Gavin walked up to him, wrapping his arms around him from behind and trapping him in a hug. _So warm._

“I could get used to this”, Connor whispered with a smile on his face.

He hoped Gavin could feel it.

“You‘ll get tired of me“, he said it like a promise, but didn‘t let go.

„I won‘t.“

 

Connor turned around in his arms to face him. They looked at each other, felt the warmth, both slightly surprised how natural this closeness already felt.

„You know, this doesn’t feel like our second day together“, Connor said with a bright smile, „It‘s like I‘ve been with you for a long time.“

„.. It‘s a bit frightening“, Gavin admitted nervously and made Connor back away in shock.

He scolded himself for not noticing Gavin‘s uncertainty and making the older man uncomfortable. He forgot that it was Gavin who initiated the hug in the first place.

„Don‘t think too much“, was the only advise he could think of.

„Yeah I‘ll try.“

 

Gavin wanted to be close, even closer than they already were. But like always his self-consciousness got the best of him, the voice in his head telling him Connor didn’t like him in  _this_  way, that Connor was way too pure and precious to love someone as hideous as Gavin. Connor broke his train of thought by clearing his throat.

„Do you want to go out for breakfast? I know a cute coffee shop not too far away.“

„Sure, I‘m starving.“

 

They both got ready and decided to walk. Connor avoided taking Nines‘ car whenever he could. The walk was a nice one, too. The sun already warming the world up, with only a handful of people roaming the streets. Peaceful.

 _To take his hand or not_ , Gavin fought a silent battle in his head. And before he knew it they had reached their destination.  _Holding hands is gay anyway_ , he decided.

 

„This looks fucking tasty!“

Gavin had serious difficulties keeping the drool in his mouth as he studied the plates people had in front of them, laughing and enjoying their food.

„I know, right?“, Connor was clearly excited that Gavin appreciated his choice of café.

He guided him inside and waved at a girl standing behind a counter. She gave him the happiest smile Gavin had ever seen in his life. He was almost blinded by how white her _oh so perfect_ teeth were. He disliked her immediately.

 

„Good morning, Connor!“, she greeted him, completely ignoring Gavin who was standing right next to him, „Looking so nice today!“

Gavin didn’t dislike her, he  _hated_  her.

„You look very nice yourself!“, Connor returned the compliment, „Can we get a table in the backyard? My friend has never been here before and I want to show him how beautiful this place is.“

She gave Gavin a suspicious glare, eyeing him up from head to toe. Gavin was more than willing to return the obviously deprecating gesture.

 

„I don’t know, Connor“, she finally responded, „You know we‘re always booked out on weekends.“

„Please?“

The girl sighed in defeat. Connor really did have an effect on people in real life too, not just online. She walked outside, checking the area hidden from their eyes for any empty tables. Gavin gave Connor a small nudge, causing the taller one to meet his eyes.

„Using your pretty face to manipulate the poor girl“, the shorter man smirked, „She‘s trying so hard to get in your pants.“

„Well, too bad there already is someone else I want in my pants.“

„There is?“

Gavin tried his hardest to not let his bitterness show. He already knew it, and still here he was, disappointed like he did have any chance at all.

„Obviously“, the younger one rolled his eyes.

 

The girl came back before they could continue.

„You‘re lucky! A couple just finished early! You only have until 11 though, there is another reservation by then.“

Connor checked his watch, 9:57.

„That‘s more than enough. I really appreciate your effort“, he thanked her with a sincere smile.

She blushed a little but was forced to regain her composure when a group of people walked into the shop.

 

Connor took the chance of escaping, grabbing Gavin‘s hand and leading him outside.

„Wow“, Gavin instantly understood why Connor insisted on getting a table outside.

They were standing in something like a sunroom with huge windows that could actually be slid open. The weather was already warm enough to open them all, allowing the few lucky people who managed to grab a seat in here to admire the beautiful garden.

„Do you like it?“

Connor wasn’t sure how to interpret Gavin‘s silence. This was still so new, so fresh. He didn’t envision things to be so much more complex in real life.

„Yeah, it‘s beautiful.“

 _Just like you_ , Connor thought but left it at a smile. Avoiding this topic would probably ensure a peaceful breakfast together.

 

Once having sat down on the well-cushioned benches facing each other they ordered their food, which basically meant that Connor ordered everything on the menu so Gavin could try it all.

„Who‘s gonna eat all of this?“, Gavin murmured when a frightening amount of food was brought to their table.

„Well that would be us.”

Connor smiled and rearranged the plates.

“You should try this first! And then this, and then this”, he suggested while pointing at the respective plates.

“Yeah sure”, Gavin agreed with a dorky smile.

It was heartwarming to have someone care about you this much. Especially since Connor always seemed so sincere with every word and every action. Gavin started eating, making sure to stick to the order Connor had suggested, and he enjoyed every bite he took. It was all so delicious he had to actively restrain himself from drooling between bites.

 

“Is it alright?”

Connor gave him a curious look.

“Connor, I literally don’t even know what to say. Shit’s perfect, like really fucking perfect!”

“That’s good, I hoped you would like it.”

The older man put his fork aside, ignoring the food to focus his whole attention on Connor.

“Why are you trying so hard? You could make me a fucking sandwich and it would be the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. I’m happy cause it’s you, okay?”

He blushed at his own words. It was strange, complimenting your best friend you also happened to have a huge crush on. In real life too, not just on the phone or through texts. And now that Connor had seen him he could believe it even less. He was nowhere near handsome, that much he knew. But weirdly enough Connor managed to look past his obnoxiously ugly exterior and treated his personality with kindness.  Honestly it shouldn’t have surprised Gavin all too much, considering that Connor was pretty weird just in general. And pretty. He was pretty too.

 

“I want you to remember this as the best weekend ever”, Connor said with his big brown eyes facing the empty plate in front of him.

“This became the best weekend ever the second you pulled me into a hug, Con.”

Connor looked up, eyes overflowing with joy. He jumped off his own seat and hurried to sit next to Gavin, making their arms touch, creating a comforting warmth. He placed his hand above Gavin’s.

“I’ve never been happier”, he whispered and intertwined their fingers.

Gavin stayed still as Connor rested his head on his shoulder. The soft hair tickled his neck and it smelled better than the food on their table.

“We shouldn’t be this close in public. People might see us and recognize you”, Gavin voiced his concern.

He didn’t want the touch to disappear. That’s the least thing he wanted. But putting his friend in an embarrassing situation was something he wanted even less.

“I don’t care”, Connor replied and sounded almost offended, “You’re not a secret.”

 

Gavin turned his head, causing Connor to lift his off the shoulder it was resting on and meeting a worried pair of eyes.

“ _You’re_ the one I want in my pants. In case you didn’t get that.”

That cheeky grin was enough to send Gavin into an early grave, he felt his soul leaving his body at the straight forward statement. Connor never shied away from comments like that, despite being quite shy in general.

“Fuck, kid, talking about getting into each other’s pants... can we like... I don’t know, kiss first or something?”

“Sure.”

 

Connor moved closer, closing the last tiny distance between them and putting his lips against Gavin’s. It was gentle and careful. Tender. They were being watched by the other people in the room. It still didn’t stop Gavin from eagerly but yet timidly reciprocating the kiss.

“Don’t call me kid”, Connor murmured when they separated again, “You’re only two years older.”

“That’s still older.”

Gavin slid a bit to the left trying to escape Connor’s presence. One kiss was enough for now. He couldn’t bear the affection, he felt unworthy of it.

“You can’t be serious about this...”

“I am”, Connor confirmed warmly.

He smiled, and then started to eat. It was in that moment that Gavin noticed he was taking his first bite since they had arrived.

“We should wait before moving any further”, he suggested.

It was a poor attempt, but it was one nonetheless.

“We’ve already waited a few years, didn’t we?”

“I mean yeah, kinda”, Gavin admitted, “But you have so many options, why choose me?”

Connor didn’t respond at first.

“I’m not having this conversation”, he then said, “You’ll have to accept that we’re together now.”

“ _Together_? When for fuck’s sake did we get toge-...”

“I’m still not having this conversation. Shut up.”

“Damn brat.”

 

Gavin continued eating, ignoring his best friend next to him. Ruining the mood was never his intention, but he couldn’t just take the compliment and the affection and accept it. Maybe Connor was used to people being attracted to him, with his dumb pretty face, and his dumb pretty hair and his dumb pretty eyes. But Gavin wasn’t familiar with it.

“I’ll go use the bathroom”, Connor announced after eating in silence for a while and got up.

He left Gavin alone, and the older one couldn’t help but wonder if Connor was running away. Was he angry? Disappointed? Sad? Was he even coming back?

“Okay, we can leave if you’re done”, Connor’s voice interrupted his train of thought.

“Yeah, I’m good. We have to pay still.”

“Already done.”

... No way Connor had faked his bathroom visit just to go and pay for all the stuff he barely even touched. Gavin rose from his seat and stood right in front of Connor, unable to get across any kind of real superiority, being the shorter one of the two. Fucking giraffe Connor was he even had the audacity to lean down and press a kiss to his forehead.

“You did not just do that.”

“Oh, I think I just did.”

 

Gavin walked off, his face the color of a tomato.

“We’re leaving!”

It was childish, really. Flirting and kissing like they were teenagers again. But he couldn’t deny that he liked it. More than he probably should. He heard Connor’s footsteps behind him. It took him no time to catch up.

“Fuck your long ass legs”, Gavin murmured, hoping that Connor wouldn’t pick up on it.

“How do you even _fuck_ legs?”, his best friend replied with a smirk.

Gavin considered giving an explanation. But that’s exactly what Connor wanted, right? Seeing him get lost in stutters, searching for the right words, starting confidently and ending up with nothing but embarrassment in his voice.

“Nice try, pretty boy.”

“It was worth a shot”, Connor shrugged and laughed quietly, “So, you want a city trip? Or do you wanna change first?”

“No, I’m comfortable like this. We can go now.”

 

Connor took his job as a tour guide pretty seriously, showing Gavin everything there was to see. Especially the spots you wouldn’t get from a regular tour. Connor’s private spots. Places he liked to visit, restaurants he enjoyed eating at, parks he chose to relax at when the sun was out. But even more beautiful was Connor himself. All the passion in his eyes when talking about stuff that had happened at specific places made Gavin’s heart glow.

“Maybe one day you’ll tell your other friends about _our_ stories”, he said and gave Connor a gentle smile.

“I don’t have other friends, you know that.”

Connor almost sounded hurt about it. Almost.

“You do. You just choose to talk to me, and never to them”, Gavin disagreed.

“You’re right”, the taller boy corrected himself, “Because they don’t matter to me. I’d choose you over everyone else, always.”

His voice radiated nothing but confidence in what he had just stated.

“Fucking sap.”

 

They laughed brightly, and it really didn’t feel like they had only met one day ago.

“Do you wanna go home now?”, Connor then asked.

_Home._

“Absolutely.”

The walk back to the house took them a damn eternity, Gavin complaining whenever he got the chance and Connor constantly sighing at the older man’s mood.

“We’re just gonna sit down and watch a movie or something, no way I’m moving anymore today”, the gray eyed one ranted.

“Will that stop you from being a whiny little child?”

“Yes.”

“Okay”, Connor agreed, a grin on his lips, “A movie it is then.”

 

When they got back it was already starting to get dark outside. It was kind of unfortunate that they had finished the tour this quickly. What were they going to do tomorrow? Connor decided to postpone that thought until he really had to think about it. Now was not the time. They had picked up dinner from a Chinese place on their way home, and were now rearranging everything into plates for easier consumption. _Definitely not_ because Gavin wanted to be fancy for once, using the expensive china that was seemingly unused. Gavin carried everything from the kitchen to the living room, equipped with the biggest TV he had ever seen in his life.

“I bet that thing’s worth more than my whole life.”

“Probably”, Connor agreed and zapped through various channels, unhappy with everything playing at the moment. He switched to his standard streaming app.

“Horror?”, Gavin suggested.

“Only if you hold my hand. I get scared  _so_ _easily_.“

Gavin knew that Connor loved horror movies and did, in fact, not get scared at all. He was more the type to enjoy his food more the gorier things in movies got. Kind of.

„Sure, Con, I‘ll hold you.“

Connor picked a movie, and Gavin could’ve sworn that they had already watched that one on a live stream with a few of Connor’s viewers around three months ago. Maybe that smartass did it on purpose, so he could annoy Gavin throughout the movie without missing anything on screen.

 

It was a movie about some haunted house. Jump scares here and there, terrible plot, poorly made. It was hilarious. Connor was suspiciously quiet though, as if he was really trying to watch the movie while stuffing the food in his mouth. Gavin let him.

„That was good“, Connor straight out moaned once he was done while rubbing his stomach.

Gavin couldn’t help but smile. Every sound coming out of his best friend‘s mouth lit up a raging fire inside of him, and he didn’t know if it was a good idea to just let it happen like that. Shouldn’t he fight harder to contain his feelings? Connor was probably just being his regular self: Flirty, cheeky, a bit dirty and filthy. He only seemed to act like that when he was with Gavin, but did that even mean anything? He watched the taller one get up and carry their now empty plates back to the kitchen, and then return to his side. He snuggled up close against Gavin, immediately connection their hands.

 

„I‘m scared to death“, he explained and tried to hide his grin by pressing his face against Gavin‘s chest.

„Of course you are, pretty boy.“

They stayed in that position for a while, until Connor decided to lay down on his side, his face turned to the screen and his right cheek resting on his friend‘s thigh. Dangerously close to his crotch.

„Connor.“

„Yes?“

Gavin poked Connor‘s left cheek that was turned towards the ceiling.

„I think you should keep your distance.“

„Thanks for your concern, but this is just fine.“

Connor either didn’t care or didn’t notice, but Gavin fought very hard to get his member to stay soft and relaxed. But apparently it felt like acting up and making itself heard. _Love me, Connor!_

 

Said Connor started fondling his thighs, making things worse. He couldn’t be doing this unknowingly, could he? He wasn’t naive like this, this was pure provocation.

“Connor, can you move please? I...”

“No.”

The gray eyed man sighed, his erection painfully hard in his pants.

“Really now, I need you to move your face away from my crotch.”

“Cause you’re hard? I don’t mind.”

Gavin hesitantly put his hand on Connor’s head, running his fingers through the soft locks he loved so much. He wanted to push him off. But he just couldn’t get himself to do it.

“I mind though”, he had to admit, “I’m really uncomfortable:”

“I can help.”

Connor turned around on his back and tried making eye contact. It was denied.

“I can help myself, thank you”, Gavin almost hissed, “And now get up.”

 

Gavin didn‘t care anymore, he felt trapped and embarrassed, a dangerous combo. He knew himself well enough. And he knew people well enough to know that they never stayed once they got what they wanted. Losing Connor over some damn sexual attraction was the worst scenario he could imagine. The younger one grabbed the remote and paused the movie.

„I didn‘t want to make you uncomfortable, I just thought...“

„You think too much.“

„I know, and I‘m sorry. I just wanted...“

„You also want too much, Connor. Cut it.“

 

Connor pouted. It was unfair to be mad at his best friend, he knew that. But rejection was something he couldn’t handle even though it was the one consistent thing in his life. He grew up with the constant reminder that he was always going to be in his brother’s shadow. It had always been Nines. Smarter, kinder, more mature, more helpful, more handsome, more everything. Nines, Nines, Nines. His parents preferred him, his other relatives preferred him, and eventually his friends ended up liking Nines more as well. 

„Don‘t get me wrong“, Gavin said while pretending to focus on the movie that was still paused, „Having you this close to my most private parts is an honor and all. But I don‘t wanna rush this, okay? I can‘t even believe that you enjoy my friendship. I just... don‘t want to destroy anything by making a stupid mistake.“

 

Connor understood. He understood completely, but he still couldn’t stop his brain from creating the worst possible scenarios. Gavin hating him, finding him disgusting, not _good enough_. It was obvious they both were facing the same issues in their minds. Both questioning the other person‘s interest and the legitimacy of their affection. Two dumb idiots blocking their happiness by choice.

„Don‘t be mad“, Gavin added when Connor didn’t reply to his desperate words.

„I‘m not mad“, Connor reassures with a barely visible smile, „Let‘s finish the movie and head to bed. Today‘s been very eventful, maybe we both just need to process our new situation.“

„Shit, probably.“

 

Gavin allowed Connor to lean against him as they let the movie play. It was still too bad to be considered enjoyable, but listening to each other‘s breathing was better anyway.

„I fucking hate this movie“, Gavin chuckled eventually.

„Me too.“

Connor turned off the TV, he was tired, and he knew Gavin was too by how much he‘d been yawning the past 10 minutes.

„Tired, old man?“, he nudged Gavin playfully and caused the older one to at least smile a little.

„You know, I could be offended by that, but since you like older men I guess that‘s fine, huh?“

 

Connor rolled his eyes, unsuccessfully trying to cover up the fact he was blushing.

„Whatever, let‘s go to sleep.“

They cleaned up the living room, though it didn’t return to its original state of clinical purity. Considering the development of the evening Connor decided not to invite Gavin into his own bedroom. He had just mentioned wanting to take things slow. So pushing him once again didn’t seem like the right choice. It was a bit awkward heading to separate bedrooms, uncertain if a kiss was appropriate now or if they should leave it with a hug. It ended up being a bit of both. Half a hug and a kiss to the corner of the mouth.

“Good night, Gav.”

“Good night, Con.”

It felt like a good bye even though they would reunite in the morning.

 

Their Sunday passed smoothly. They woke up, had breakfast at home and Connor expanded his tour of his hometown, this time taking Nines’ car since the new destinations were not within walking distance. Time went by too fast for their liking, and when they arrived at the station at 8:30 pm, _just_ in time for the last train Gavin could take, and eventually reached the correct platform an almost palpable tension was contaminating the air around them.

 

“I really enjoyed spending time with you”, Connor smiled.

“Yeah, me too.”

Gavin gave him a sad look.

“When will I see you again?”, Connor asked hesitantly, unsure if the older male even wanted to meet him again.

“Probably in your wildest dreams, pretty boy.”

“Of course”, a smirk crept on Connor’s face, “You don’t even know _how_ wild they really are.”

Gavin grabbed him by the waist and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Well, I guess I have to be jealous of dream-me then”, he murmured against the taller man’s neck, inwardly, and half-heartedly, cursing their height difference, “All close to you and shit.”

“We could be close, too.”

It was a sincere offer, and yet Gavin only chuckled awkwardly.

“What’s so funny? I mean it”, Connor didn’t quite understand Gavin’s reaction, “You know I like you.”

 “Don’t say that.”

 

Gray eyes met brown ones. Uncertainty met disappointment. Connor wiggled free from the hug, creating a safe distance between them.

“I’d like to come back next weekend”, Gavin then announced out of the blue.

“... What?”

“If you want.”

“If I...? Yeah, yeah obviously!”

Another hug, tighter than the one before.

“Alright, I’m glad then.”

Gavin pulled him even closer, unwilling to break their connection.

“I miss you already”, Connor whispered, “Can’t you stay?”

“No. But I’ll call you when I’m back home.”

 

They parted again, both unhappy about the loss of closeness.

“I want you to go home now though. Having you wait with me makes leaving even harder.”

Connor smiled at him understandingly.

“That’s alright. I’d like to ask you for something first if that’s okay.”

“What is it?”, a confused Gavin responded.

 

He didn’t get to ask, as two girls approached them.

“You’re Connor, right?”, one of them asked.

Gavin saw the admiration in their eyes. Did he have the same shine in his eyes when he looked at Connor? Was he even worse? And by the way Connor tensed up a bit he suddenly felt bad about being so close.

“Yes, hello!”, he replied and smiled brightly.

It was truly fascinating. How well Connor handled his social insecurities when it came to his fans. Gavin knew Connor was anxious around people he didn’t know, that he must feel cornered and pressured right now, but still managed to keep calm and friendly on the outside.

“Gavin, I’m going to accompany these ladies outside. Do you mind?”

“I asked you to fuck off anyway, so yeah, go.”

He was not jealous. Not at all. Not the tiniest bit. Not a single part of his being was experiencing jealousy. _Nope._

 

Connor pulled him into a final hug, squeezing him tightly.

“And you’ll call me the second you arrive at home, yeah?”, he made sure again.

“I will, Con. Drive carefully, you dork.”

“I’ll try.”

They parted, giving each other one last warm smile before Connor turned around and started moving with a girl at each side.

“Who is that?”, Gavin heard of them asking.

“My favorite human ever”, Connor answered honestly, causing the girls to look back at Gavin.

 

Gavin stuck out his tongue, taunting them like a little kid. He watched them walk towards the exit and felt a wave of sadness hit him when Connor didn’t turn around once. Of course he didn’t _really_ care. Gavin had been right all along.

 

~

Connor drove back home feeling lonelier than he’d ever felt in his whole life. It felt like he gave up a part of himself when he left Gavin at the station. Having the two girls with him had made it easier to leave, talking distracted him, especially since they had turned out to be long time viewers. It did help to a certain extended but wasn’t enough to take away the pain. He kept looking and walking forward, eyes fixated on one specific poster in the distance so he wouldn’t just turn on his heel and run straight back into Gavin’s arms, back to his own little sanctuary. His heart was aching, oozing with agony and sadness. He pulled up in the driveway and turned off the engine. Entering the house alone didn’t feel right, as if Gavin had become a part of his home in a matter of hours.

 

“You took my car”, he heard a familiar voice coming closer from somewhere near the kitchen.

Nines fixated him with his eyes, the gray color not letting slip through what he was thinking.

“Yes. I apologize for not asking first.”

Connor didn’t want to apologize. He didn’t want to feel like a prisoner in his own house. But he was merely a slave, and Nines was his self-proclaimed master.

“Where did you go?”

It must have been a trick question. Nines would expect him to give the exact route of his trip. He would check the mileage, wouldn’t he? He’d be able to tell Connor was making everything up. So Connor decided to not even try.

“I was just driving around a few times. Didn’t drive too far though.”

“Oh, that’s funny”, Nines didn’t smile, “Because my tracker kept telling me that the car was going all over the city.”

 

It was stupid. No matter how much Connor tried to stay as vague as possible he was still caught in his lies every time. He even forgot that Nines’ car had the most recent tracking software installed. And that said software was connected to his phone, always informing him when the car was being used.

“I… Yeah, I’m sorry.”

Nines got closer, taking Connor’s face in his hands and gently caressing his cheeks. They were almost burning from panic. No way Nines didn’t notice.

“You could’ve just asked, you know”, he said with a smirk, and if Connor didn’t know him better, he would’ve believed his kind offer.

“That’s very generous of you, Nines”, the brown-eyed man replied even though he saw through the fake kindness, “Next time I’ll make sure to ask for your permission first.”

 

Nines let go of his face, still smiling.

„I‘ve made dinner. I’d appreciate it if you joined me.“

 

Connor‘s eyes widened in terror. It had been a few years since Nines last cooked for them. Back then, when he still was in High School, Connor went through a somewhat rebellious phase, which caused Nines to get overly aggressive at times. But at one point the older one had stopped acting out on his anger, he was being suspiciously friendly and caring, even going as far as preparing meals for the two of them since their parents barely spent any time at home. And starting with Nines’ change in attitude Connor got sicker and sicker each day. It took him way too long to connect the dots between his constantly worsening health and Nines‘ sudden care. That care was also the reason he never went to a doctor to get his condition checked, as well as the fact that even all those years ago Nines had already been very experienced in the medical field.

 

Connor chose to trust his diagnosis that his stomachaches and headaches and the constant nausea were probably psychosomatic. _“You’re stressed because of your finals”._ Nines’ explanation had seemed logical. He had trusted his brother. He had been full of hope that his long-awaited wish was finally coming true: Two brothers supporting and loving each other. But he soon realized his hopes were only wishful thinking. Connor never confronted Nines about his terrible theory. Why would he when his fear was all just mere speculation, guesswork, fantasy. He had just hoped that correcting his behavior would help solving the problem, unsure what the problem even was. It did help. Once he became his former quiet and obedient self, his condition had almost immediately changed for the better. Connor was convinced that those occurrences had to have some kind of correlation. But there was no proof, so none of them had mentioned that topic ever since.

 

„I... I‘m not hungry...“

„I wasn’t offering“, Nines stated matter-of-factly, „You‘re having dinner with me.“

Connor silently followed Nines into the kitchen, sat down on his seat and eyed the food on the table. It looked and smelled absolutely fantastic, like everything Nines did. He started eating, uncertain whether to chew every bite for minutes or to not chew at all. Did poison get worse when kept longer in one‘s mouth or stomach?

„Do you like it? I tried a new recipe.“

„Yeah, it‘s delicious.“

 

Connor ate faster than he ever had in his life. If he just finished his plate as fast as possible, maybe he could go to the bathroom and puke it all out before it had any effect on him. 

„You‘re rather hasty. Is there somewhere you need to be?“

Nines smirked one of his evil smirks. Did he suspect that Connor knew what he had done again?

„No, it‘s just really tasty“, Connor lied unnecessarily.

 

The tall man looked at him before getting up and walking over to the kitchen door. Locking it. Safely storing the key in his pocket. Distraught eyes met satisfied ones.

„Good. Cause we‘ll be staying in here for a while.“

Nines sat back down, smiling at Connor continuously and not touching his food at all. The younger one stopped eating as well, tears filling his eyes as his whole body started trembling terribly.

„N-Nines I‘m so sorry!“, he stuttered with tears straining his face, „I didn’t want to anger you!  _Please_...!“

„It‘s too late for an apology, dear brother“, the gray-eyed one responded, the smile having left his face to make room for his usual cold expression.

 

Connor felt sick. Not health wise, yet, but his thoughts were racing and his mind roamed around trying to find a way to escape. There wasn’t one.

 

Twenty minutes passed, and Connor still didn’t feel anything yet except for his fear that had him hectically walking around in the limited space of their kitchen. He knew he should sit down, go easy on his body that was struggling enough with breathing alone. _There just wasn’t enough air in this room._

„You seem to be quite frightened, Connor, is something wrong?“

Nines smirked again for the blink of an eye.

„N-no I‘m alright“, Connor sobbed and felt another wave of tears flood his eyes.

He was scared, he really was. Despite still feeling well enough he was panicking. The fear crawling around in his stomach being the only real source of uneasiness. 

 

Another fifteen minutes passed with Connor on the floor, a sobbing and crying mess of angst. Nines knelt down next to him.

„I hope you‘ve learned your lesson. Maybe you will remember how to act around me now.“

 

Their gazes met, Connor only saw cruelty in his brother‘s eyes. Gray like a storm coming up but somehow even more unpredictable and dangerous. He reached out for Nines‘ face, stroking his right cheek with his index finger. Skin, clean and soft. No plastic or metal, not a machine. _Human_. He retracted his hand and wiped away the tears on his own face, calming down just a little bit when he realized Nines‘ probably hadn’t done anything. He only wanted to scare Connor. It worked.

 

Nines got up and left. Connor let out a relieved sigh when Nines didn’t lock up the door again on his way out. Connor was drained of energy. Getting up was not an option right now, so he gave up and stayed on the floor. His eyes closed on their own, his body relaxed all by itself, and Connor almost experienced his whole being as foreign with how much anxiety was flowing through every single vein.

 

The clock on the wall ticked in the background and lead Connor into sleep, accompanied by his memories of Gavin. His Gavin. His precious secret. The only thing that Nines couldn’t take from him.


	4. Watch Me On Your Video Phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it's our boy Gavin's birthday today I thought it would be only fitting to treat you (and him) with a little surprise!  
> No real plot in this chapter, just a little snack cause today's a nice day to get naughty my loves :O ~
> 
> I hope you enjoy!  
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAVIN!  
> (*･ω･)ﾉ”┌iii┐♡

Connor woke up from an obtrusive noise. He appreciated not having suffered a nightmare despite the cold and uncomfortable surface he had fallen asleep on. Light was shining through the window, so he must have stayed in here the whole night and even longer. Connor struggled to pull himself into a sitting position. It took him way too long to recognize the noise as a ringtone coming from his phone that still was in his pocket. He pulled it out with clumsy fingers, still half asleep. He accepted the incoming call without checking who would bother him this early. Was it even early?

“Hello?”, he yawned into the speaker.

“Con? Are you alright?”, his favorite person answered.

The obvious concern in his best friend´s voice eliminated the remnants of his hazy state.

“Gavin...? Uh...”, he mumbled and looked around, “...I fell asleep on the kitchen floor.”

 

It was more an observation he made for himself than for Gavin. And he immediately regretted saying it out loud.

“Huh? The fuck happened?”

“There was an incident with Nines”, Connor explained and decided to not give any details, “He locked me up in here, so it’s nothing terrible. Just Nines being Nines.”

It was the truth, just altered a little bit so Gavin wouldn’t completely freak out. In the end nothing _had_ happened. Nines had played his psycho games, forcing Connor to panic for no reason and do the damage all by himself without Nines having to dirty his own hands. Wasn’t he just brilliant?

“He locked you in the kitchen? What the actual hell?!”, Gavin yelled into the phone, “Connor, that’s fucked up!”

Connor held his phone away from his ear, he could hear Gavin loud and clear even with the slight distance.

“I will _murder_ him I swear! If he touches you again I’ll-..”

“He didn’t touch me”, Connor explained calmly.

“Doesn’t matter! He’s hurting you either way! What did he do?! Simply locking you up doesn’t seem like Nines at all! Tell me the fucking truth!”

 

Connor waited a few seconds to make sure Gavin was done screaming. He was already fucked up as he was, and adding deafness to his list of problems was something he really wanted to avoid.

“He made food for us.”

 “Food”, the older one repeated.

“Yes.”

It was silent for what felt like an hour to Connor.

“ _Food_ ”, still suspicious.

“Yes, food”, Connor confirmed patiently.

“... And what kind of incident are we talking about here?”

 

Connor missed seeing Gavin’s face. It was always so full of expression, so rich in emotions and charming. Now that he knew about the power that was Gavin he was dying to have it all the time.

“I miss you”, Connor whispered, overwhelmed by a sudden wave of longing.

“Um... wow alright”, Gavin stuttered, and Connor enjoyed imagining that he even blushed a little, “Don’t fucking try avoiding the topic though!”

Connor heard a small sigh escaping Gavin’s mouth.

“I miss you, too”, the older one said eventually, “And now to answer my question.”

“I’ll tell you someday, alright? I need my time to understand what really happened. Cause I don’t know it yet.”

“Yeah... yeah sure, I... I didn’t wanna pressure you or anything, Con. I’m just worried. But you know you can talk to me, right?”, Gavin’s voice was merely a whisper.

“I know, thank you.”

 

The following silence wasn’t particularly uncomfortable but Connor still felt like he had to break it. He checked the time on his phone, 4:18 pm. Gavin must have made it home a few hours ago.

 

 _4:18..._? Did he really sleep for 18 hours straight?

 

“How was the trip back home?”, he asked.

“Oh you know, just how you’d imagine sitting around bored out of your mind for 14 hours. And sad.”

“I don’t want you to be sad...”

“Yeah, I considered just coming back and taking you with me. Getting you away from all the bullshit with Nines. You deserve better than that.”

It was heartwarming, Gavin’s sincere love for him, and Connor couldn’t stop the tears.

“One day I’ll take you with me, you hear me?”, Gavin promised, sounding as hopeful as Connor felt, “We’ll start a new life together. I’ll get a better job somewhere else, and I’ll get you into that damn expensive arts academy you wanted to study at for so long that your parents didn’t approve of.”

“You don’t have to do that”, the younger one managed to say between two sobs, “Being with you is all I need to be happy.”

Gavin started laughing, and the honesty in it held Connor distracted from his fucked up reality.

 

“Look at us being all sappy and shit after spending one weekend together.”

“Yeah”, Connor smiled, aware of the frustrating fact that Gavin couldn’t see it, “I love it.”

“I really hope you do. And now get the fuck up. I didn’t forget where you woke up.”

“Of course you didn’t.”

 

Connor slowly stood up, stabilizing himself by clinging on to the table standing next to him. He felt surprisingly rested considering the whole situation.

“You should take a shower”, the older one suggested, “You must be dirty. No wait. You probably got cleaner by lying on that floor.”

“Probably”, a small chuckle escaped Connor’s mouth, “But I’ll take one anyway. Will you stay on the phone? I would like the company.”

“Uh, sure. But no dirty games, Con.”

“I would never.”

_He would._

 

Standing up turned out to be no problem but there was still one problem that needed solving.

Was Nines at home? It took him a simple look out of the kitchen window which was facing their drive way to find out. Nines’ car was gone, probably with its owner.

“You’re a shameless liar, Con.”

He only managed a small chuckle, still a bit shaky on his legs as he headed for his room and the bathroom en suite. He paired his phone with the integrated speakers of his bathroom.

“So, uh, you in the shower yet?”, Gavin asked with a slight nervous undertone.

“I am. Do you want to go through the process with me?”

“... Yes, please.”

 

Connor smiled, locking the bathroom door behind him. He had already locked the door to his bedroom so this wasn’t all that necessary, but two are better than one he thought. He turned the water up and set it to the right temperature.

“How do you like your showers, Gav?”, he asked his friend, “Hot? Cold? Alone, or with company?”

“Hot”, Gavin’s response was no more than a breath, “... and I’d like to join you.”

“Oh, really? Too bad you’re so far away.”

Connor tried figuring out a way to activate his camera so Gavin could watch him. How do you arrange a set up in the shower where your phone doesn’t get too wet? And would Gavin even want to see this?

“Maybe it’s better this way. I probably couldn’t control myself”, the older one admitted.

“I’d be disappointed if you were able to control yourself, Gavin.”

 

A few moments passed before Gavin cleared his throat, as if he was preparing his next sentence.

“Do you... you know, do you think there’s a way for me to see you?”

“What happened to _‘no dirty games’_?”, Connor asked smugly, happy that Gavin was indeed interested in activities like this. With him.

“Yes or no?”, he didn’t react to the obvious provocation.

“I think I have one of those sucky things you can put on your phone to make it stick to certain surfaces. I’ll check real quick!”

Connor went back into his room and started rummaging through his drawers for the item of absolute need. He had bought it online when one of his weird shopping habits had kicked in once again, and until this very moment he never thought it could possibly become of use. He found it fairly easy and rushed back into the bathroom to put the pad shaped suction cup on his phone before putting the whole construction on the shower door.

 

“Is it okay if this is a one-sided effort?”, Gavin wanted to know.

Connor had hoped that he would offer it to be the both of them, but he didn’t expect it. Gavin wasn’t used to this kind of stuff, but to him it was nothing new. Presenting himself to others in front of a camera was his job. A bitter laugh escaped his mouth when he remembered what Nines had said just a few days ago. About him being a whore, and that it wouldn’t take much for him to cross the next line. He had talked back but as it turned out it really _didn’t_ take much for him to cross that line, considering he was just about to put on a show for someone via video chat. Nines had been right after all. _He always was_.

 

“Con?”, he heard Gavin say and forced himself to shove his thoughts aside.

Whore or not, this was _Gavin_ and not some random stranger. He pressed the camera symbol on his screen which activated his front camera. He looked a bit disheveled. _No surprise there_ , he thought with the cold kitchen floor in the back of his mind.

“So cute, pretty boy”, he was instantly praised.

It put a wide grin on his lips, feeling appreciated instead of being talked down and he wished for it to last forever. He slowly unbuttoned his short-sleeved dress shirt, keeping his eyes on the screen.

“I wish these were your hands”, Connor whispered and gently caressed his own chest and stomach.

“You don’t how much _I_ wished those were my hands.”

 

The younger one continued by undoing his fly with one hand. The other one reached for his phone to adjust to the new angle so his best friend could see everything.

“Con”, Gavin hurried to say before it was too late, “Let’s keep it from the waist up, okay?”

“Why?”

Connor pouted like he never had before, and Gavin couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

“Don’t give me that look. I just want to keep it special for the real thing, that’s all”, he explained, “Don’t think about it being sexy or anything please. I just want to look at you.”

 

He should’ve felt honored. His partner was understanding, humble and overall just perfectly content with him taking a damn shower. But in Connor’s eyes it wasn’t enough. Not _special_ enough.

“Are you sure? I could make it more interesting”, he offered as he pulled down his pants.

He had been able to ignore his erection this whole time but now it made itself all too felt.

“I’m sure, yeah”, Gavin confirmed and Connor could hear the smile in his voice, “You’re already doing more than I could ever expect from you.”

“Alright, have a good time then.”

 

Connor stripped himself of his remaining clothes before removing the phone from its current position to apply it on the other side of the shower door. The brown haired boy let the warm water run down his face and body.

“How hot is the water?”, Gavin asked sounding out of breath.

“I’m not a thermometer, Gav”, Connor answered jokingly, causing Gavin to groan, “But it’s pretty _hot_.”

He heard the muffled rustle of sheets coming from the various speakers built in his bathroom.

“Can you tell me what you’re doing?”

“Taking off my pants”, the older one murmured, “They’re... a bit tight.”

 

Connor took a bottle of body wash and started rubbing in his body with the slightly thick fluid.

“Did you choose a white gel for a specific reason?”, Gavin’s voice barely managed to overpower his low moans.

“I don’t know what you mean, is there any other white fluid I could put on my body?”

“Yeah, actually”, Gavin stated with such confidence that it almost irritated Connor, “It’s one that I could put on your body as well.”

 _‘No dirty games’_ had been a half-hearted plea then, huh? Connor started moving down to lower regions, painfully aware that Gavin couldn’t see it. He wanted him to see. Actually, he wanted him to be there and touch every inch of his body. He leaned against the cold tiles, closed his eyes while trying to suppress the moans coming out of him.

“I wanna hear you”, Gavin requested.

“Okay”, Connor moaned as a response.

 

He moved his left hand to his dick that seemed to have gotten even harder. His strokes were slow, too slow, but ending this too quickly would ruin it all. Who knew when they’d be able to do it again?

_“You look so good, baby.”_

Encouraged from the praise Connor’s grip tightened, he started a faster pace and let himself moan obscenely loud. For a moment he had forgotten that Gavin was watching him, and that all he could see was his upper body and his face. _Face..._

“ _Oh fuck_ ”, the older one groaned. Connor had decided to still put on a show despite Gavin telling him not to.

The best he could do without showing his lower region was sucking on his own fingers and coating them with saliva. He sucked harder when Gavin’s end of the line was nothing but moans and mumbled curses.

“You want me to suck you like this?”, he offered with a lascivious smile as he removed his fingers.

_“Please, Con, I want it!”_

“Pretty demanding for someone who didn’t want to go any further when he still had the chance to.”

 

Gavin groaned something under his breath.

“Shut the fuck up and shove your fingers back in your mouth”, he ordered, his voice was low and raspy.

His tone was so new and exciting, Connor couldn’t wait to have him back next weekend and elicit the same noises out of him. But for now his only chance was obeying, so he put his index and middle fingers back into his mouth, sucking them eagerly.

“Add another one”, the gray eyed man demanded, leaving no doubt he wouldn’t accept a no.

 

It sent a shiver down Connor’s spine. This type of dominance and assertiveness was a side of Gavin he had never experienced before, and it was something he definitely enjoyed. The love for his soft Gavin was unbeatable but dominant men were his absolute weakness, so it took him less than a heartbeat to add his ring finger into the heat and wetness of his mouth. His strokes on his member had become fast and unbothered.

“Fuck yeah, you’re doing so well babe.”

“I-I’m close”, Connor stuttered, his arousal reaching its peak at an alarming rate.

“Let’s come together”, a bit softer than before, “Sounds good?”

“Yeah...”

 

Connor closed his eyes, the desire to hide his face grew stronger and stronger the closer his orgasm got. But both his hands were occupied and even though he was slightly embarrassed he also didn’t want to hide from Gavin’s gaze. So he focused on his arousal instead. Gavin’s moans reached him from all sides thanks to the many speakers and made it a lot easier to imagine that he was not doing this by himself, but that it was Gavin with him in the shower. That it wasn’t his own hand but Gavin’s, and that it weren’t his fingers in his mouth but Gavin’s tongue.

“G-Gavin... I... please...!”, his own voice was way too loud in his head.

“ _Fuck...!_ ”, he only heard his friend somewhere in the background.

 

He lost the fight, giving up his composure as he came. He was thankful for having his mouth stuffed, this way his scream was at least muffled a tiny bit. The image of Gavin with him in the steamy and hot space of the shower didn’t seem to disappear yet though. It made it harder to come back to reality. His legs threatened to give out and he put all his remaining strength into them so he wouldn’t just fall over. He managed to keep himself from falling down to the ground, he stood shakily, but he stood.

 

“Con... You okay?”, Gavin mumbled after a few moments.

The familiar voice pulled him out of his fantasies when he realized it wasn’t quite next to him, but somewhere far away accompanied by a low static. Connor gave an agreeing sound and slowly took the fingers out of his mouth. Apparently he had bitten down on them when he came. Interesting.

“I, uh... thank you”, a still very breathless Gavin said.

“This was exciting”, Connor grinned at his phone and earned a laugh from his best friend.

“Yeah it really was. You looked fantastic.”

Connor walked into the stream of water coming from the shower head. It washed away the evidence of his actions, his daydream and eventually the excitement as well.

“I need to change my sheets”, Gavin said with an annoyed sigh, “You should take a real shower until I come back, okay?”

“Can we still talk when I’m done?”

 

Connor couldn’t help but feel a bit lost. He knew Gavin wasn’t like other men. Gavin was nice and kind and caring. But what if he didn’t want to talk to him after he had just willingly presented himself?

“Is that a serious question? Cause shut the fuck up.”

Alright. He did want to talk then. Connor smiled and grabbed his wash again. It didn’t take him long to be done. He put on his bathrobe after stepping out of the shower and he removed his phone from its positon after drying his hands on a towel. Two minutes of blow drying his hair was all the patience he could gather, he just wanted to get into his bed and talk to Gavin for the rest of the day. He got comfortable between his pillows and waited patiently for his friend’s return.

 

“I’m back!”, Gavin announced and Connor heard the squeaks of a bed.

“Can you turn on your camera now?”, the younger one asked, batting his eyelashes, “I miss your face.”

Another sigh escaped Gavin’s mouth.

“... Fine”, he then agreed, _“Fuck you and your stupid puppy eyes.”_

After a few seconds Connor was staring into familiar eyes. Gray and warm.

“Hey, you”, he greeted with a big smile on his lips.

“Shut up.”

 

His life was a mess, but Connor knew he wasn’t alone.

One day everything would turn out right.

One day... It would be just the two of them.

 

_Together forever._


	5. Partition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for not updating. I kinda lost my motivation for this story (and everything else tbh), but we only have two more chapters after this one, so we should be done soon.  
> I also apologize for the multiple time skips (they happen when you see this symbol: ~) I just wanted to get this over with, hope you enjoy nonetheless.
> 
> The song for this chapter is Partition by Beyoncé, you’ll know when it’s time to go listen to it.  
> (I’m terrible at writing smut so please forgive me and really give the song a chance, it makes everything more bearable I promise!)

 

“It’s like the world is against us!”

Connor couldn’t stop complaining. He had started two hours ago when Gavin had told him the bad news, and he didn’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

“Con, please”, Gavin’s small chuckle reached him through the phone, “I know it sucks ass, but we can’t change it now.”

“You’re avoiding me.”

 

Connor watched as Gavin’s look changed from apologetic to confused.

“I hope you’re joking, asshole”, he groaned and rolled his eyes, “I am most definitely _not_ avoiding you.”

“Why can’t you come then? You said you wanted to.”

Gavin rolled his eyes again, which caused him an exasperated sigh from his friend.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me! I’m serious right now.”

“Yeah, so am I. Stop acting like I don’t like you.”

 

Like. Not love. _Like_. What a wonderful reminder that they still weren’t meeting eye to eye.

“What’s with the pouting, Con?”

“Nothing.”

“Connor.”

“ _Nothing_ ”, the younger one repeated himself, almost feeling sorry for acting like a child.

“Alright, if it’s nothing I’ll head to work now.”

“Yeah, do that.”

 

Connor knew he was acting childish. Being stubborn and immature was something that felt foreign to him, considering he had an older brother scolding him for even the tiniest sigh. Gavin shouldn’t be the one suffering from his lack of freedom concerning the expression of his feelings. But sometimes he just couldn’t help it.

“Should I call you later?”

“... Yes.”

“Alright”, Gavin gave him a gentle smile, “I’ll call you then. Bye.”

“See you. And Gavin, I...”, Connor started but interrupted himself, forcing back the words that were sitting on the tip of his tongue.

He could see that Gavin was waiting for something. Not for this though. Not for his _love_ of all things.

“Never mind, hear you later.”

 

With that he ended the call, trying to escape the truth and with that his own feelings.

Gavin didn’t love him, did he? They were friends, sure. They had participated in obviously sexual actions with each other, yeah. But wasn’t that something that friends with benefits did as well? Something they did without any romantic feelings involved?

“What a mess”, he murmured quietly.

Maybe Nines had been right about Gavin without even knowing him. Nines had told him he would get hurt. Who was he supposed to vent to if Nines refused to listen to him? Not that Nines had ever been a help anyway, but at least he was always _there_.

 

Thinking wasn’t what he should be doing right now, especially since Gavin didn’t even have a chance to explain himself. Connor got up from his bed and settled down in front of his computer. He’d distract himself with work. It’s what he did best. Another stream sounded good to his troubled mind, so he set everything up and started the stream with a simple announcement on his social media accounts.

“Hey guys”, he greeted the few thousand people that had gathered almost instantly at a weird time like this.

Most people worked at 1 p.m., but he knew from experience that some viewers even found ways to watch his streams from work and also that he had a lot of international viewers. It was still amazing to him every time how much dedication people had left for a stranger on the internet. They didn’t _consider_ him a stranger from everything they knew about him. But that was only what he let them see. A show, a masquerade was all he ever could be.

_Fake._

 

 _“I saw Connor with some guy in town last weekend!”_ , someone in the chat said.

 _“Yeah I saw them too! Who is he, Connor?”,_ another one joined.

“He is a good friend of mine”, he explained with a forced smile. A friend, nothing more, “Don’t go looking for him though, he isn’t one to be found on social media or anything. Please respect his privacy, alright?”

He didn’t want people to find out who that mysterious man was. They didn’t need to know. Not when their relationship was as unclear as it was at the moment.

 _“You looked so cute together!”_ , a long time viewer commented with a bunch of heart emoji.

“Well, thanks I guess”, Connor chuckled.

He liked the thought. Being with Gavin and people seeing them as a couple that looked like they were made for each other. Two puzzle pieces that belonged together. But that sounded like one of the fairytales Nines had always told him to be just that: _Tales_. Made up, lies to fool everyone who was stupid enough to believe in wonders and happy endings.

 

“So, what do you want to see in this stream? I just didn’t feel too well today, so I thought I’d spend the day with you guys”, he explained honestly.

There was no reason to lie about his state, they would notice anyway.

 _“If that dude fucked you over I’ll murder him”,_ he read a comment that made him laugh for the first time this day.

“No no”, he tried to clarify, “He’s very kind, don’t worry.”

After a few recommendations he finally picked a game, nothing too silly this time. He wasn’t in the mood for silly. A shooter had to do it.

 

He played for an hour, interacting with the chat whenever he wasn’t caught in the action, and it wasn’t long until he noticed that Gavin had joined the stream. He talked to everyone, something he always did when Connor couldn’t do it, acting as a moderator.

 _“Someone’s thirsty for blood today, huh?”,_ Gavin posted, obviously referring to Connor’s choice of game.

“Better thirsty for blood than thirsty for something else”, Connor answered with a wink at the camera.

His viewers _adored_ his wink, he knew that from the various reactions he had received over the years. From all the artwork people had drawn of it, from all the fanfiction he had read. He had stopped reading those a while ago. They had gotten a bit too sexual for his liking, but people connected through them and he had no intentions of breaking their bonds. He just didn’t need to participate in those fantasies.

 

The rest of the stream passed without any technical issues, which was rare for him. He somehow managed to always pull out a cable or knock over some speaker getting coffee all over this equipment.

Gavin had left fairly soon since he had only tuned in during his break or whatever, not that Connor cared. He was still mad after all. He had anticipated being with Gavin again, having that taken from him felt like a complete loss. But he would have to wait a few more hours for Gavin to call him so he could voice the thoughts in his head. Time passed agonizingly slow, and when Gavin called he felt like he had gone through his plans around a million times. He had sorted them in an exact order, ranking from the things that were a slight inconvenience and then proceeding to the points that made him so furious.

 

Once he saw Gavin’s face on his screen he lost every bit of anger that was dwelling within in.

 

“Hello there”, the older one smiled at him with his deep gray eyes.

“Hi”, Connor mumbled, completely frustrated that it only took a simple smile to calm him down.

“Has my pretty boy lost his attitude already?”

“I didn’t have an attitude!”

And how he _did_ have one, he just didn’t feel like admitting it.

“Alright, alright don’t be mad, okay? I know you’re still sour that I had to cancel on you.”

“You bet I am”, Connor gave in to his longing of peace.

Keeping up a front was too draining. He didn’t want to be angry, not at Gavin, not at the only person that had ever shown him affection.

“I don’t want you to think that I’m okay with that either. I’m mad they planned me in for this trip without checking my schedule. But it’s my job, Con. I can’t come see you if I get fired.”

“You could come live with me if you didn’t have your job keeping you there.”

 

Wasn’t it true? His job was the only thing holding him back. Unless...

“Do you not want to live with me...?”, the words escaping his mouth were only a whisper.

He felt anxiety creep up from his stomach all the way up his throat.

“W-wha... Con, really? Oh my god you’re so dramatic sometimes”, Gavin groaned, “Of course I want to live with you. But do you expect us to stay at the same place as Nines? Cause honestly I can pass on that.”

“He isn’t that bad...”

Gavin shot him a look that couldn’t mean anything but exasperation.

“Not always”, Connor added.

“You know, there’s a name for what he’s doing and it’s called _abuse_.”

“He isn’t abusive! He’s just...”

 

Connor wasn’t entirely sure how to put it in words. He wasn’t even sure why he was defending Nines, who had proven more than once that he didn’t have any kindness in his heart for his younger brother. Or anyone at that. But he was still his brother, right?

“Connor, stop. Just stop.”

The older one stayed silence for a while, to Connor it felt like hours.

“I know your relationship with Nines is difficult. I don’t wanna tell you what to think about him, alright? But I don’t want you to act like he’s treating you like an equal either.”

“Mhm”, Connor agreed carefully. He could work with that.

“Good. And now be my cheerful best friend again. Pissed off Connor makes me sad.”

 

Connor accepted out of pure love. He was still mad. But Gavin didn’t deserve his attitudes even if he didn’t reciprocate the younger one’s feelings. At least Connor couldn’t shake that fear...

 

 

~

 

Connor checked his phone history. _June 30 th._ The last time he had talked to Gavin for more than 5 minutes was 15 days ago. He tried telling himself that his friend was simple busy. It’s not like he wanted to be dramatic about it, but how could he even stay calm about this? Since they had met everything felt off. Gavin wasn’t the same anymore, he was distant. He didn’t call every day, didn’t text him every one or two hours, didn’t even remind him that his birthday was only one month away. He had always done that.

 

Gavin had told him that meeting up would change everything. If only Connor had believed him.

 

~

 

“How is my pretty boy doing?”

Gavin wore a white shirt. Tight. Slightly see through, hugging his toned upper body in all the right places. Connor wondered who he had put it on for.

“It’s been 23 days since I’ve seen your stupid face”, the older one continued when he didn’t get a response, “And now I’m finally back from that fucking work trip and you’re giving me a death stare.”

“... I think you’re looking way too sexy to be just chilling at home”, Connor decided to explain his mood.

“Do you like it?”

Gavin winked at him, and Connor started considering himself as the lucky one who got to see Gavin like this.

“Oh... I guess I’m overreacting again, huh...”

“You are, but I forgive you.”

 

Connor smiled, and it felt like the first time in weeks. Being without Gavin was something he couldn’t see himself doing ever again. Every time he got into a fight with Nines, every time views weren’t as high as usual, every time people disliked his work the thought of Gavin pulled him out of his desperation. He was safety.

“I’ve missed you”, he whispered loud enough for Gavin to hear.

“I’ve missed you, too. Terribly.”

 

_Life was alright._

 

~

 

“How old are you?”

Nines was skipping through a book that seemed to have at least a million pages. _Something about bones_ , his brother had stated when asked what it was about.

“23...?”, Connor answered, uncertain if Nines really didn’t know his age.

Nines never forgot anything. Ever.

“And when’s your birthday again?”

“On the 15th.”

“Isn’t that this Sunday? I won’t be here”, Nines explained and didn’t seem too bothered about it.

“That’s... unfortunate.”

 

Piercing gray eyes focused on him, the first time it happened in this conversation.

“Come here”, Nines told him while patting the seat next to him.

Connor obeyed, sitting down next to his brother and waiting for further instructions.

 “You know that I care about you, am I correct?”

“Yes, Nines.”

“And you know that I would never do anything to hurt you?”

“Of course”, he agreed once more.

It wasn’t the truth. But just agreeing and getting this conversation over with was far more pleasant than talking back. It wouldn’t change anything anyway so why even bother trying?

“Good. Then I want to honest with you. Your friend, this Garrett-“

“No”, Connor interrupted him, unwilling to listen to anything bad Nines had to say about him, “We’re not talking about Garrett!”

“Oh, somebody is mad”, the older one smirked lightly, “Do you not want to hear what I have to say about him?”

“I don’t.”

 

Nines gave him another look before returning his attention to the book in front of him.

“I understand. You can leave then.”

It was a trick, wasn’t it? Did Nines know that Gavin was coming over for his birthday and felt like ruining the weekend for him? Or did he really have something to say about him, something that wasn’t made up? How would he even know? Gavin was a secret, a well-kept one. Nines couldn’t know who he was.

 

Connor didn’t want to know. Nothing could change his feelings for Gavin. _Nothing._

 

~

 

It felt like a dream. He knew it was real but the tears running down his face didn’t _feel_ real.

“Con?”, Gavin whispered and pulled him even closer, gently kissing the younger one’s neck.

“I’m just happy to have you back”, Connor explained and enjoyed being shown affection.

Gavin let him dwell in his emotions a bit longer, but eventually loosened his grip around Connor so he could look at him.

“You’ve lost some weight”, he noticed.

Connor looked paler than usual, something he couldn’t see on a small screen.

“Didn’t feel like eating lately”, Connor murmured with a tiny apologetic grin.

Gavin hated that mindset because he couldn’t understand it, being constantly hungry himself. But Connor got sick just _thinking_ about food whenever he was is a bad mood. Which he had been the last couple of weeks.

“That means we’re about to binge for three days straight”, the obvious announcement was made.

“Seems like it”, the brown-eyed boy agreed.

 

He leaned closer again. Breathing in the unique smell that he knew to be Gavin. Was it weird to stand in a public place and smell someone? Probably. Not that he cared though.

“So, uh... You wanna go or what? We’re being watched”, Gavin murmured in his ear.

Of course _he_ cared.

“Yeah, Sure.”

Connor had taken Nines’ car again. After asking him this time, of course. Even though arguments with Nines didn’t bother him as much as they used to he still avoided them whenever he could. Not fighting was still the better option. They drove back to Connor’s place, where Gavin immediately made it his job to take everything out of the fridge that he saw as adequate choices of food.

 

“You’re trying to fatten me up”, Connor voiced a suspicion and watched Gavin run back and forth through the kitchen.

“A little fat on you won’t hurt anybody. Especially not me.”

He grabbed the younger one by his wrist and pulled him into his arms, softly letting his hands wander from his shoulder blades to the small of his back.

“It would definitely give me more to touch”, he grinned teasingly, knowing all too well that Connor wouldn’t care to gain more weight than necessary.

He didn’t need to, Gavin never thought about changing a thing about his best friend.

“I’m already taller than you, should be enough.”

To prove a point - _whatever that point was_ \- he pressed a kiss to the shorter one’s forehead.

“Ugh, you know how cheesy that is?”, he received a groan in response.

 

Still it was Gavin to initiate the following kiss, hungrily capturing Connor’s lips with his own, biting the bottom lip with just enough pressure. The loss of touch once they parted was not at all what Connor was willing to accept, and when he felt like Gavin had enough time to breathe he went in for another kiss. The last time they had met Gavin had been quite unsure, hesitating when it came to these kind of things. But that uncertainty seemed to be gone completely by now. He didn’t push any further than grabbing Connor’s butt and pulling him closer, creating more friction between the two but even that had its effect on both of them.

“If you eat something now I’ll reward you with another kiss”, Gavin proposed.

“And how do I earn more than a kiss?”

“Hmmmm”, a thoughtful noise left the gray eyed one’s lips, “I did have _plans_ for your birthday, do you wanna get your present early?”

 

Connor could feel the blush spreading across his face. Wasn’t his first time supposed to be special? It was a childish thought. Absolutely naïve. He could even hear Nines’ voice in his head, scolding him for being so stupid. _You’re over 20 and still a virgin,_ Nines had made fun of him not too long ago _, grow up and spread your legs like the whore you are._ He didn’t need to come out to him either, Nines had always assumed that Connor was not interested in women. But was it worth it? Giving up his own sense of importance just because his older brother had had more meaningless sexual partners than he had brain cells?

 

No. He wanted it to be Gavin _and_ special. Disillusioned or not.

 

“N-No”, he then stuttered with his cheeks still burning like fire, “I’ll wait.”

“Good. Because I really want it to be special and something you won’t forget”, Gavin whispered and disconnected himself from Connor after another peck on the lips.

“I want that too”, Connor admitted, ignoring the persistent doubts in his head telling him that he was too old to believe in love.

Gavin took Connor’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly as if he had noticed the tension radiating off of the other.

“Do you want to hear the first stages of my plan then?”, he asked and wiggled his eyebrows.

 

Yes. _Yes_ , Connor wanted to hear it.

 

~

 

The volume of the music was the first thing he noticed.

“It’s really loud out here.”

Gavin shot him a look that felt strongly like _‘you don’t say’_.

“It’ll be even louder _in_ there”, he announced, now earning the same look back that he had given his friend mere seconds ago, “It’s a fucking club, Con. Deafness is a part of that shit.”

 “Whatever”, Connor mumbled more to himself.

 

It had been Gavin’s idea to go out and party the night before his birthday, the Saturday, and to spend the actual day of his birthday, Sunday, at Connor’s place. Just the two of them, sleeping in, having breakfast somewhere nice and enjoying each other’s company. And maybe (hopefully) finally take the next step in their relationship, whatever that step would turn out to be.

But now that he was standing in front of this club, surrounded by people and loud music and the general smell of people partying he felt out of place. He didn’t belong with anyone here. He preferred to be on his own or to spend his time with the very few friends he could stand for more than 30 minutes. Not that he didn’t appreciate them but he just _needed_ his time alone. _He hated this place._

 

“Do you wanna leave?”, Gavin asked while pulling him away from another man who was standing a bit too close for his own liking.

“No... Let’s stay for a while. I’ll tell you if I can’t do it anymore.”

Gavin wanted him to experience something like this at least once, and now that they could do it together he felt less scared. He could do it, anxiety aside.

Gavin didn’t get to respond since they were next in line, and after showing their IDs they were let in. Connor really wanted to see Gavin’s ID photo, knowing those pictures usually looked like shit, but eventually he gave up. Gavin seemed really uncomfortable about it and Connor knew Gavin was suffering from low self-esteem anyway so he let it slip, allowing Gavin to see his photo so they at least had _something_ to laugh about.

 

“You want a drink?”, the older one asked.

Connor looked around as they walked towards the bar. The club was rather full, fuller than he had expected from a time like this as it was only 9:30 p.m.

“I don’t know, I’ve never really had anything alcoholic”, Connor admitted.

He knew some people would be embarrassed because of that, but he had never cared enough to try it. It’s not like he judged people who liked to get drunk out their minds. He just... couldn’t understand the concept. What was so fun about being hung over, suffering black outs, losing control over oneself? Not his thing, he liked everything to be clear.

“I’ll choose a light drink for you if you want”, he was then offered.

 

Gavin bumped their shoulders together and gave him a big grin.

“Yeah, sure”, Connor agreed, it couldn’t hurt to try something light, could it?

Gavin started talking to one of the bar keepers, telling him what exactly he wanted for Connor’s drink. It contained a lot of fruity components, which sounded nice enough for him. The older one himself got something that Connor knew the name of, and also that it was really strong.

“I want to dance with you, but I need to loosen up first”, an apologetic smile found its way on Gavin’s lips, his insecurity started to shine through his confident attitude.

“It’s alright”, Connor tried to sound as convincing as possible, “Do whatever makes you feel more comfortable.”

 

They sat down at the bar, and while Connor slowly drank -and at least enjoyed a little bit- his overly sugary drink, Gavin downed one after another. “ _Loosening up”_ turned into getting full on drunk. And once Gavin started becoming all touchy Connor remembered why he had felt uncertain about this whole partying idea. He knew from stories that Gavin had a very chill relationship with alcohol, and while he didn’t drink often, he let every occasion when he _did_ escalate. Just like he did now.

 

“Come onnnnn”, Gavin purred into his ear after leaning closer than he needed to, “You wanna dance?”

Connor was pulled onto the dance floor, unable to agree or disagree. But he _wanted_ to dance with Gavin, he really did.

“I like this song!”, the younger one stated with a huge smile that made his eyes glow.

It was one of his _favorite_ songs actually.

“Isn’t that just nice”, Gavin smirked and started dancing to the music.

They started off close but got even closer with every new song. And to their luck they had started right at a streak of extremely sexual songs from various decades. Gavin’s enthusiasm grew bigger and bigger, and soon there was no space between them. Or between Gavin’s lips and Connor’s neck, cheeks, and forehead. It went on for quite a while, Connor had lost all sense of time and the only reason why he started doubting this again was because of Gavin who lead him back to the bar.

 

“I’ll have another one!”, he said to the bar keeper who started making another drink immediately.

“I’ve wanted to ask earlier”, the bar keeper then smirked at Connor, “But do I know you? I’m Chris by the way.”

 _It was getting too hot in here_ , Connor thought. Chris gave Gavin the drink he had asked for, as well as putting another glass in front of Connor.

“I’m Connor”, a careful response, Chris probably knew him from his videos or streams, “And I didn’t order anything.”

“I know. This one’s on me. For the cutest boy that I’ve seen in a while.”

Oh no, this was not alright...

“Dude, he’s with me in case you didn’t notice”, Gavin interrupted their sort of conversation.

He looked mad, too mad for his own good.

“I figured. But he could always go for better, so I thought I’d offer.”

 

Chris smiled in a way that only further motivated Gavin’s aggressions towards him, so it didn’t surprise Connor all that much when Gavin downed both his own and then Connor’s drink in two big gulps.

“Thanks buddy, free drinks are my _absolute favorite_ ”, he slurred and grinned dumbly.

“Oh yeah?”, Chris shot back, directly mixing another one and sliding it over, again for Connor.

As expected Gavin grabbed that one as well, wasting no time at emptying the glass within seconds. Connor didn’t understand what was happening, why couldn’t they just leave? Why did Gavin have to be so stubborn when this random person didn’t mean any danger to their relationship?

“Can we just go?”, the taller one whined and wrapped his arms around Gavin’s neck, gently pressing kisses on it.

“Don’t know, babe”, Gavin slurred and coughed before starting to laugh, “S’so much funnn right now!”

„We should go home!“, Connor tried to scream over the music.

„Nah.“

Gavin grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back to the dancefloor and as close as possible.

„OH! This is the song!“, he then yelled in excitement, „CONNOR! _The_ song!“

 

Connor identified it immediately. Gavin had shown it to him a long time ago. It will „channel your inner sex goddess“ _(I’m not a woman, Gav)_ as Gavin had explained.

But right now it was dangerous. Sexual energy paired with Gavin’s state of mind didn’t feel like a great combination in this exact moment.

“Let’s dance, Connor!”

Gavin pressed himself against Connor, not the tiniest bit of space between them. The taller man didn’t know how to react. Of course he enjoyed being this close but it didn’t feel right. He couldn’t shake the doubt if he was actually abusing his best friend’s trust, taking advantage of his drunken state.

“You’re drunk.”

“And you’re beautiful. We should go to the bathroom”, Gavin slurred, “I really want you.“

„Gavin... we shouldn’t do that.“

„Why?”, the older man pouted, “Is it because you like this Chris guy better?“

 

Connor felt anger crawl through his whole body. Gavin only tried to provoke him, right? Or was he honestly considering that option? Without wasting any more thoughts he pulled the shorter one into a kiss. Gentle at first, but turning passionate in a matter of moments.

Maybe it was the desire that had been building inside him for the past years. Something made him throw all his doubts out the window and follow Gavin to the restrooms, where he was led into one of the empty stalls.

“Do you want me, pretty boy?”, Gavin groaned into his ear and bit into the soft flesh of his earlobe.

“Yeah, but we shouldn’t... you know... let me just...”

“Use your words, Connor. Whaddaya want?”

Gavin’s speech was seriously messed up at this point. Connor had difficulties understanding him, so instead he just knelt down in front of Gavin’s crotch.

 

“Wanna suck my dick?”

“... Yes”, he responded, too embarrassed to look at Gavin.

“Getting shy on me?”

 _Driver roll up the partition fast, over there I swear I saw them cameras flash_. The song accompanied them, faintly in the background.

Gavin patted his head, tugging at the soft hair just enough for Connor to notice. Connor helped him undo his pants and pulled both jeans and boxers down in one smooth move.

Gavin’s already hard member greeted him excitedly.

„It‘s beautiful“, Connor whispered calmly, but on the inside his excitement grew even bigger. _It was so big..._

He was convinced he would do a fantastic job with just the right amount of struggle.

„It‘s alright“, a rush of embarrassment flew over Gavin‘s face and he tried hard not to laugh awkwardly.

“No, I love it”, Connor insisted stubbornly.

He started with small kisses, testing the feel of it. Just this made the older one release some aroused sounds, but being the over-achiever that Connor was he couldn’t be satisfied with that. His tongue darted out, liking up the length in front of his face. _He tasted so good_ , it was almost unreal.

 

“You’ve done his before, right?”, Gavin mumbled as he continued petting Connor’s hair.

“Mhmmmm”, the kneeling one hummed and took the tip between his lips, sucking teasingly.

„Can I be rough then?“

Connor nodded without interrupting his tongue playing around Gavin‘s erection.

„’Kay. Put your hands behind your back. I don’t want you to use them.“

Connor did as told, not being new to this kind of roughness. Gavin didn’t wait for another signal he was ready, he downed himself in Connor‘s throat with one harsh thrust. It earned him a muffled moan. The vibration of it went straight through his body, making his dick twitch in the hot cavern it was resting in.

„Oh shit, you‘re so hot...! You like my cock in your mouth?“

Connor gave an agreeing sound while adjusting to having his throat stretched out. Tears filled his eyes, it really had been a while since his last blowjob. Gavin seemed to have gotten lost in the heat, ignoring Connor‘s effort to not throw up, and thrusting into him. His hands in the taller man’s hair tightened, pushing and pulling him repeatedly, his dick buried in his sweet mouth.

 

He wanted to push himself off, but Gavin only pulled him even closer, pressing Connor‘s nose into his crotch and holding him in position. Connor looked up to him, struggling and gagging terribly, until he couldn’t do it anymore and put his hands against Gavin‘s thighs. Connor wasn’t sure how long he would be able to stay still. He focused on breathing through his nose, which turned out to be quite difficult from it being stuffed because of his crying.

„I said no hands, didn‘t I?“ he asked with playful anger in his voice.

Gavin let go of him when he noticed he was seriously struggling and let him catch his breath, running a hand through his soft hair. Connor coughed hectically, still gagging from the rough treatment.

 

„Go on“, he mumbled shyly after a few moments of calming down. He voluntarily put his hands behind his back again, eager to push himself further this time. _Take all of me, I just wanna be the girl you like,_ he heard the same song still, dimmed down by the walls separating them from the big hall.

„You‘re such a dirty slut, aren’t you?“

He agreed with a nod.

„Tell me what you are“, Gavin demanded.

„... I‘m a dirty slut“, Connor repeated the words back to him. It was absolutely embarrassing. Humiliating. And he loved it.

„Just some slut?“

Gavin slapped his dripping dick against Connors face, spreading the spit all over the reddened cheeks. Eyeing his best friend from this position was straight out sinful. He felt superior, wanted, admired.

„No,  _your_  slut“, Connor added and put his lips on Gavin‘s dick that twitched in anticipation.

„Good, then act like one. Sluts don‘t need air, they need cock.“

 

Gavin leaned back on the stall door and let Connor take the lead. His head was spinning, even the dim lights in the restroom were way too bright for his sensitive eyes. The brown-eyed man took him back in his mouth, bobbing his head up and down, this time with no external force in the form of Gavin‘s hands. He slowly got used to it, finally able to take in the mesmerizing taste and smell that was just so  _Gavin._ He loved it, just like he loved being his. His alone. He let the dick slip out of his mouth with an obscene noise. His tongue caressed thelength before he took care of his balls, gently licking and sucking them, while Gavin‘s moans got louder and louder. His legs started shaking, Connor knew he was close.

 

„Getting down on your knees in a dirty bathroom stall like a cheap whore. If only you could see your face“, Gavin chuckled, his voice raunchy.

The tears on his heated cheeks, the saliva on his face, the spit running down his chin. Connor really didn’t want to see it. But as long as Gavin enjoyed looking at him he didn’t care. 

„You‘re still missing something though.“

Gavin pushed Connor off of himself, giving his own dick a few fast strokes. Connor instinctively opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue. Gavin came with another ecstatic moan, releasing his load across Connor‘s face.

 

„It’s the frosting on the cake. Get it? _Frosting!_ “

He was too gone to realize Connor wasn’t laughing at his joke, but rather mad at the mess on his face.

„Ew“, he cursed, unsure how to do anything when he could barely open his eyes due to the sticky sensation.

„Wait, lemme help you“, Gavin offered.

 _Help is a matter of definition,_  he thought as he used his still half hard dick to smear his cum all over Connor’s face, making the mess even worse than it was before.

„ _GAVIN what the fuck_!“, Connor yelped in a pitch he had never heard himself produce before. Having no other option he grabbed where he assumed the toilet paper roll to be and took a few pieces to wipe off the now mixed up fluids with it.

 

He was able to open his eyes again just in time to catch Gavin, who was too shaky on his legs to keep himself up anymore.

„... Should go... home“, Gavin whispered into his ear.

„How about we put you away first?“, Connor suggested, already helping him to accomplish the task.

Gavin had been a total drunken mess the whole night, but it appeared to completely kick in just now. He couldn’t stand nor speak in coherent sentences.

 

Connor leaned him against a wall, making sure he wouldn’t fall before he went on to wash his own face on one of the sinks in the restroom, removing the remains of their sexual act.

„Come on, let‘s go.“

He grabbed Gavin and supported him on the way out of the club. The sun would rise soon. So it was already the 15th. _Great._

 

They slowly wandered down the street to their car, and Connor was glad he still had the ability to drive. After tugging Gavin into the passenger seat and bucking his belt Connor got into his own seat and drove off.

„Slow...“, Gavin murmured, covering his mouth.

„Don‘t puke in here, I‘ll kill you. And then Nines will revive you just to kill you again.“

Gavin gave him a tortured gaze and tried steadying his breathing.

„Please stop here“, he begged as another wave of nausea hit him.

 

Connor pulled over, letting Gavin jump out of the car who then immediately kneeled down on the sidewalk throwing up.

„I always fuck everything up“, the older man cried out.

Connor rushed to his side.

„Hey, calm down, okay? I‘m here.“

„I‘m such a piece of shit...!“

„Shhh you‘re not, you‘re my smart and also handsome best friend who always gives me good advice on everything and is always honest to me!“

„No you don‘t  _understand_!“, Gavin was shouting now, „There are things you don’t know and... fuck this is your birthday, Connor! I ruined it.“

 

Connor grabbed his hand and gently kissed his knuckles, white from being tensed into a fist.

„You didn’t ruin it. You saved it by being here. By my side and loving me unconditionally.“

His words were soft and sincere, making Gavin look up.

„You’re not mad?”

“Just a bit”, Connor responded honestly, “But it’s nothing I couldn’t forgive.”

“That’s really cool...”, Gavin chuckled, he still wasn’t very good at putting thoughts together, “Can you help me get back in my seat?”

 

Connor pulled him off the ground and led him back into the car, and they drove home without any further incidents. They arrived at the house and Connor helped Gavin by steadying him, once they entered and closed the door behind them the older one was all over him again.

“Shower”, he mumbled, “Together.”

“I’d love to.”

Gavin started undressing himself on their way upstairs, tossing his clothes away like they had somehow offended him. The way they were spread made it look like obscure modern decoration. Gray eyes examined him hungrily as Connor took off his own clothes as well, but he decided to do it once they were in his room. No need for any more chaos.

“Hi there”, Gavin grinned once he was completely naked.

He picked the taller one up despite having jello instead of legs, and walked them both into Connor’s bathroom. Connor was grateful that his shower had no ledges they could trip over, the whole bathroom floor was one plain level. He tightly wrapped his legs around his partner’s waist and kissed him passionately.

 

They entered the shower, Connor turned on the water clumsily since he had to grab the switch without looking and, more importantly, without breaking the kiss.

“ _Fuck!_ ”, Gavin hissed when the water hit him. _Cold._

“Sorrysorrysorry!”

Connor adjusted the temperature. Soon the water was nice, warm, relaxing. Taking away all soreness.

“You’re so beautiful”, Gavin whispered into his ear.

He continued holding Connor up with one arm, and let the other wander to his front. The passion from back in the club was nowhere to be found, everything now happened carefully, gentle. He took Connor’s dick in his hand and started stroking it slowly.

“Is this alright?”

“Mhm”, Connor replied. Now he was the one who lost the ability to speak properly, “M-more...!”

“I don’t wanna do it drunk. Can you wait for me just a bit longer?”

“Yeah, of course...”

 

Connor let himself enjoy the moment, Gavin’s hands and lips on him. It was _real..._

 

~

 

Connor woke up to warm fingers drawing all kinds of shapes on his back.

„Good morning“, he whispered smiling.

„Good morning, baby.“

Gavin stole a little kiss from him, making him feel deeply appreciated. It had been a while since he last woke up in a heavenly mood.

„Happy birthday“, Gavin smiled at him apologetically, „Forgive me for getting so smashed last night, I should‘ve controlled myself.“

„Doesn‘t matter.“

Connor nuzzled up against Gavin’s chest, breathing in his unique smell. He smelled like  _safety_. His hands played around with the waistband of Gavin’s boxers, caressing his member through the fabric.

 

„Connor?!“, somebody suddenly called his name.

 

This voice...! Why was he here...?!

 

„ _Fuck_ “, Connor cursed and got up like he had been stung, „Put on some clothes!“

Gavin was frozen solid, looking at Connor in shock. He looked straight up disturbed.

„I thought he was out of town...“, barely audible words came out of his mouth right before he leaped to his feet and ran over to Connor‘s window, attempting to jump out.

„Are you crazy?!“, Connor freaked out and tried pulling Gavin away from the glass wall, „What the hell are you doing?!“

 

They were still fighting when Connor‘s door swung wide open, Nines standing in the doorway with several pieces of clothing over his left arm. Gavin‘s clothes he had been tossing off of himself just earlier today.

„Well, who do we have here“, Nines smirked at the shorter man only wearing his boxers, „Gavin Reed. Or should I call you Garrett?“

Gavin ran a hand through his hair.

„Hello, Nines.“

 

Connor shifted his gaze from Nines to Gavin, and back to Nines. What was going on?

„You know him?“, he directed his question at Nines.

„Do you remember Elijah?“, Nines countered with a question.

„Yes. Why?“

Connor‘s head was coming up with multiple scenarios on what was happening. He hadn’t seen Elijah in years, what even did that conceited asshole have to do with them?

„Elijah is my brother“, it was Gavin to answer.

„I didn’t know you had an older brother“, Connor stated, puzzled.

Nines started laughing, and it was the most evil sound Connor had ever heard in his life.

„Older? Connor, how old do you think Gavin is?“

 

He didn‘t get to respond, Gavin beat him to it.

„Are you fucking  _getting off_  on this?!“, he yelled at the man with the intimidating gray eyes.

„I don‘t know. Are you getting off on the lies you‘ve been telling my naive little brother all these years?“

Another counter question Connor needed an answer to.

„Gavin, what is he talking about?“

„Listen...“, Gavin mumbled and searched for the right words, “You know that I love you, right?”

“ _What is he talking about_?”

“Connor...”

“If you don’t tell him I will”, Nines brought himself back into the conversation.

 

Gavin shot him a deathly glare, avoided meeting Connor’s eyes all while aggressively tugging his clothes away from Nines‘ arm. He put them on, feeling Connor‘s eyes on his back.

„... It‘s my birthday soon, right?“, he then said.

„Yeah, you‘re turning 26.“

“No.”

“ _No?_ What do y-..”

„36“, Gavin corrected quietly.

“36...? But why did you-“

“And I don’t live that far away. I... It’s... around a 20 minute drive to my place.”

 

The room fell silent.

“I can’t allow you to keep talking to my brother. Take your stuff and leave”, Nines was the first one to break the tension.

“You’re a fucking monster, you know that?!”, Gavin yelled at Nines through clenched teeth.

“I’m only protecting him from someone who lied about who he was.”

“Protecting him?! You’re an abusive asshole, you only do what benefits yourself, you fucking piece of-“

 

“Leave.”

 

Nines and Gavin looked at Connor. The youngest one in the room had his head lowered, staring at his own feet as if he had found the solution to his problems on them.

“Connor, I...”

_“Leave.”_

“I can explain, okay? Please, listen...”

“LEAVE!”

 

Connor raised his head, unable to hide the streams of tears running down his face his way.

“You heard him, Gavin. Leave”, Nines repeated his brother’s words, obviously satisfied with the situation if his smirk was any indication.

The first shock had immobilized him, but now he felt something even worse.

 

_Fear._

Had he really just lost the only thing in his life that mattered...?

 

He finally moved again. What else was there to do except for doing what Connor had asked of him? He gathered the stuff he had brought with him for the weekend. It wasn’t much, so he was done faster than he had hoped. Connor had watched him through the short process.

“I’ll leave now.”

He stood in front of his friend and put his hands on either side of Connor’s face, lifting his head so their eyes were forced to meet.

“Connor...”, he whispered and wiped the tears from Connor’s cheeks with his thumbs, but he wasn’t able to prevent his own tears from falling.

“He told you to leave”, he was reminded by Nines who was still watching them.

Gavin didn’t feel like paying him any mind.

 

_“I love you.”_

 

Connor pulled away at his words, throwing himself onto his bed face first and letting out a pitiful cry that was only muffled by his pillow. Gavin turned around. Leaving the room. Leaving the house. Leaving the property through the huge gate and stepping onto the street.

 

The last thing he heard were Connor’s heartbreaking screams, carried by the wind.


	6. Face My Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the finish line, bear with me for only a little while longer my loves ♡

_ "I love you." _

 

The end of the world was a scenario Connor would have preferred. Instead, he didn't know what to do or what to think.

Days passed, so did weeks. And all he could do was stay in his room, remembering the times when everything had been alright. Well, mostly everything. But now? His memories turned out to be worthless when Gavin‘s lies had been exposed.

 

He should have noticed, right? Noticed that Gavin didn't really look like he was in his mid 20’s. Noticed that he had given up his hotel stay on the weekend of their first meeting all to easily. Back then he didn't think about it too much, but now it made sense. Gavin had never been in need of a hotel. His own place was close by so he would have just stayed there until he decided to meet up again. And now it also was obvious why Gavin didn't want him to see his ID. Connor would have seen his real date of birth. 

 

Now all the little weird things were logically solved, still it wasn't enough for Connor to wrap his head around the fact that the last five years of his life had been nothing but lies and more lies.

 

Questioning life‘s purpose was something he‘d always done. But until now he had held on to his own reality he had built over time. His videos, streams, viewers. Fanworks, merchandise, movie nights he organized.  _ None of that mattered anymore.  _ He hadn’t bothered giving a note to anyone why he decided to disappear, not even his fans. He saw their messages, saw how worried everyone was, how people were smart enough to figure out that his absence had something to do with that new man in his life. No need to confirm their assumptions.

 

"You were in this same position last night."

Connor didn't move despite being spoken to, didn't even look up. Why bother when he already knew who had just entered his room? Nines came closer and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You haven‘t left your room in days."

"Mh."

Connor felt a soft hand on his head, right before a few strands were pulled lightly.

"When was the last time you took a shower?", Nines sounded rather disgusted.

 

When  _ was _ the last time? Not that he cared. But Nines cared apparently since he mercilessly dragged his younger brother out of his bed and into the bathroom.

"Come one, take off your clothes", he was prompted, and when Nines noticed Connor wasn't complying he started undressing the younger one himself.

It had happened before, this. Connor‘s mind had let go of the concept of time by now, but it must have been around a week ago. He remembered throwing a tantrum, hysterically yelling at Nines not to touch him and back off.

 

This time though? All the fight in him had disappeared, and not a single drop of energy remained in his body. He let himself be undressed, soon standing in only his underwear.

"Mom and Dad are coming back in a few hours", Nines told him in his regular casual voice, though it had a weird undertone to it that Connor couldn't quite grasp, "I can‘t have you looking like I don‘t take care of you."

Nines was worried their parents would blame him, wasn't he? If they did, they might end up controlling the older one more frequently, which in turn would mean that Nines couldn't continue living his life carelessly.

"… I want to see them", Connor whispered.

His own voice sounded so unfamiliar, like it wasn't his own anymore.

"Oh, but you won't."

"What…? Why?"

 

Nines pushed him into the shower, taking the shower head in hand and turning the water on. When the stream hit him the water was ice cold.

_ Memories. Gavin. Shower. Hot kisses. Hands all over each other.  _

"Because I won't let them see you. You‘re looking like a zombie, unkempt and malnourished."

"You can't just lock me up in here", Connor felt his mouth move, all on its own.

"I didn't intend to do that", Nines replied, adjusting the water‘s temperature to almost boiling hot, "You‘ll leave to somewhere else until tomorrow morning. In case anyone sees you outside you need to look decent enough. You‘re allowed to come back once they have left again."

"This is my house, too…!"

_ "Nothing is yours, Connor." _

 

Sooner than he had envisioned he was sitting on a bus, with a small bag packed but without a destination in mind. Where was he supposed to go when even his own home was a place of rejection? He drove around going nowhere. There was  _ one _ place he could go. Somewhere familiar. Would he be accepted there?

 

It had been a while since he had last seen Hank. After breaking up he had always felt weird about hanging out much. But Hank was still one of his closest friends, no matter what other people thought about staying friends with your exes. They had broken up consensually, it just didn't work out romantically.

 

He reached out for the buzzer, letting his finger stay on it for a couple seconds without pressing it. He had to try. The still familiar sound of the bell shot through his head, and only seconds later the door was opened.

"Connor", Hank smiled when he saw the younger one, smile dropping when he noticed the state he was in, "You, uh... "

"Don’t say it", Connor interrupted him, assuming he was going to mentioned how  _ done _ he looked.

Hank opened the door further, stepping aside to let Connor enter.

"I’ll get you something to drink, alright?", he was offered.

"Thank you."

 

Being in this house helped. He didn't know how or why, it just did. His memories with Hank and these walls surrounding them were still intact. Innocent and happy despite not ending in a bond that lasted forever. Quietly making his way through the living room he ended up sitting down on the couch, and he couldn't help the weak smile demanding its place on his lips when he saw Hank approaching, a glass filled with red liquid in hand. He accepted it with shaking fingers. It really had been a while since he last ate, he noticed.

"It’s like you knew I was coming over", Connor whispered even though he knew that wasn't the case.

"Yeah, or maybe I just like strawberry juice."

Hank sat down next to him, leaving enough space between them in case the other man needed it. But distance was the last thing Connor wanted. Distance he was used to, had been dealing with it his whole life. Distant parents, an unloving brother, no real friends except for… well, the ones that turned out to be fake.

 

He closed the distance between them, resting his head on Hank’s shoulder. Would their position be weird to some people? Was  _ he _ weird to some people? Most likely he was.

 

"Do you want to talk about it?", Hank asked and attempted to hide the worry in his voice.

"Talk about what?"

"About whatever caused you to look like death itself."

Connor felt big, strong hands pulling him closer, and for the first time in weeks he felt something close to contentment.

"Not sure", he murmured against Hank’s shoulder.

Did he want to talk about it? Was he ready to face his own fears? Of actually saying out loud what had been haunting his thoughts for weeks now?

"Talking about it has always helped you, I remember that", the taller one tried to give him a helpful reason to tackle his problems.

_ "... Gavin." _

 

How could a single word feel so painful?

"That guy you’ve had a crush on for the last couple years that lives like on the other side of the planet?"

"Yes. But… things happened."

Hank tightened his grip around the younger one that just radiated an aura of fragility.

"Did he hurt you?"

"I don’t know to be honest."

Gavin had lied to him, he had lied about things he didn't have to lie about. He knew that Connor had been in a relationship with someone who was closer to his 50’s than to his 40’s, so dating a now 35-year-old wouldn't be an issue. And Gavin actually living nearby? That one made even less sense to him, considering a closer proximity was a huge plus since they didn't need to have a long-distance relationship that way. So why lie about these matters?

 

"It turned out that he lied about certain things", Connor continued, saving Hank another guess on what the problem was. 

"And what were those things? Looking at your condition he must be a mass murderer or something."

"No, he... he pretended to be younger than he is. And he actually lives in the same city, and probably always has."

The older one slightly pulled away from him, so he could look at his ex-boyfriend.

"And… what’s the _ actual _ problem here?"

 

Yeah. That was a very good question. A question he didn't quite know how to answer.

"Did you ask him why he chose to lie to you?"

"… We kinda threw him out before he could explain himself…"

"So you met him for real? And who is ‚we‘?"

"We spent a weekend together in June, and he was with me for my birthday… It was both Nines and myself to ask him to leave."

Connor felt a wave of sadness crash over him, if it was because he had agreed with Nines‘ attitude he didn't know. He only knew he wanted his best friend back, but wasn't too sure if he could ever trust him again.

_ "Nines _ ? Really?", Hank scoffed, obviously not trying to hide his exasperation even the slightest bit, “Out of all people you let  _ Nines _ have any kind of power over your relationship with Gavin?!”

“This isn't about Nines, Hank!  _ Gavin lied to me _ !”

“I get that. But did you ever ask yourself  _ why _ he lied?”

 

Of course he had. It was one of the main questions in his head, actually. But there was no way for him to figure out the reason. The only person who knew the truth was Gavin himself. But did the truth even matter after all that had happened? It would give him some closure, sure, but considering that he didn’t know if you could even believe a single word Gavin told him why should he even bother asking?

 

Connor looked around the room when he heard a sudden noise, close to a snore. Only then did he notice that something important was missing. He couldn't understand how he didn’t notice before but something furry and big and gentle was missing from the scene completely.

“Hank, where is Sumo?”, he asked, confused.

“Oh, don’t worry”, Hank answered, “That big goof is sleeping in the bedroom. He somehow started preferring to sleep in there rather than sleeping in his own bed here in the living room.”

 

Silence fell over the room. Connor couldn’t sort out his thoughts, he was confused and desperate and in need of closure, but he knew that the only way to really get what he wanted was to go see Gavin. The older one had sent him multiple messages over the past couple weeks, constantly asking him how he was doing, begging him to call him or pick up the phone or at least tell him that he was alright and even went as far as sending him his address - his  _ real _ address. It was almost like Gavin cared about him. And Connor just couldn't bring himself to simply block his former best friend, no matter how mad he was.

 

“You know, Connor”, Hank started hesitatingly, “I get that what he did was wrong, but what does it change, really? From what you’ve been telling me about him for years now the guy obviously loves you. Hell, he probably had feelings for you before you even acknowledged his existence, Connor. He didn’t want to screw up and created a new persona to match you. Back then he didn’t know that you didn’t care about age or where he lived, it didn’t matter, he probably just wanted to be your friend.”

Connor looked at Hank. He had never seen his ex boyfriend so serious about anything, not even their own relationship back then.

“Do you still love him, Connor?”

“... I do…”, the younger one admitted, finally letting his feelings express themselves.

Connor felt tears building up in his eyes, they filled them immediately even though he thought he had emptied his storage of tears days and weeks ago. 

“Call him now”, Hank smiled, gently running a hand through Connor’s hair, “He’ll appreciate it.”

“But... What do I even say?”

“I don't know, whatever feels right I guess.”

 

With trembling, clumsy fingers Connor pulled the phone out of his pocket, opening his contacts and scrolling down to Gavin’s entry. So he really was going to do this? Just call him and have a nice talk?

“I don’t know if I can do this”, he whimpered and put his free hand on the other one’s thigh, squeezing it nervously.

“You won't know until you try.”

Hank was right. He wasn't always, but his gut feeling never disappointed when it really mattered. If Hank thought calling Gavin and talking this out was the way to go, Connor would follow his advice. With one final deep breath he touched the green icon next to Gavin’s name, and almost didn't even get to hear a single beep before the call was answered.

 

“Con.”

Gavin sounded like a mess, voice shaking despite only releasing a single syllable.

“Hey”, Connor replied, feeling light-headed and warm upon hearing the familiar voice.

“You called.”

“Yeah.”

It already wasn't the most intelligent chat they had shared, but it was a start.

“Hank told me to do it”, the younger one admitted.

“Is he with you right now?”

Connor thought about lying, but a lie was the only reason for this situation in the first place, so he decided against it.

“Yes, and I’m glad he is because I wouldn't have called you otherwise.”

 

Hank reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers, silently supporting the brown-eyed boy and giving him some mental strength.

“I guess I owe him my gratitude then”, Gavin whispered as if he feared speaking any louder would end the call, as if Connor was a wild, shy animal that would run away at the slightest indication of danger.

“I’m upset.”

“I know.”

“I’m really mad.”

“I know, and you have every right to be. And you don’t owe me any mercy or forgiveness, but… If you’re willing to listen I’d like to say some things”, Gavin tried to approach carefully, but his desperation couldn't have been more evident.

It took Connor a few moments to answer.

“I’m listening.”

 

The following silence wasn't what Connor had expected. Didn't Gavin just have  _ so much _ to say?

“You know, I… had it all planned out. What I would say to you once you stopped ignoring me.  _ If _ you ever stopped ignoring me. But now my head is blank. There’s so much to say, and all I can come up with is a fucking dry ass ‘sorry’.”

A nervous laugh found its way through the speaker of Connor’s phone, and while he still hadn't gotten any kind of explanation he felt relief. This was still  _ his _ Gavin, the same awkward dork that always managed to get him to laugh. Right now it was only enough for a tired smile, but even this was more positivity than he had experienced the past weeks.

 

“An apology would be a start”, he acknowledged the try.

“O-Of course! Connor, I’m sorry. Like really sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. And I wanna thank you! For even giving me a chance to apologize!”

He could almost hear the gears in the older one’s head rattle, trying to put together an at least half-decent sentence. 

“And, uh… I don’t know if you can ever trust me again, but… I would like a chance to try and prove to you how much you mean to me.”

 

There it was. The problem Connor had to face. It was a decision he had consciously been avoiding up to this point, now there was no way to pushing it away anymore. 

“That’s a tough decision”, he murmured, hoping Gavin wasn't expecting an immediate answer to his request.

“I know it is.”

“I need some more time.”

“That’s alright, Con. I’ll wait for as long as you need to figure everything out. You’ve waited for my stupid ass for years. I owe you some patience.”

“What if I can’t forgive you?”, he proposed the worst scenario that could happen.

“Then I’d have to accept your decision and hate myself for the rest of my life for being a stupid fuck”, Gavin responded, then adding with a heartbreakingly sad chuckle, “no big deal.”

 

Connor looked up when he felt a big hand on his face, wiping away the wetness he hadn't noticed. When did he even start crying again? Or had he just never stopped? He didn't know, and he quite frankly didn't care right now.

“Can I tell you my story?”

Gavin waited silently for a reply.

“Yes. I want to understand why you chose to lie.”

 

“I’ve been following your channel for years, and I always thought you were really cute. Extremely cute, and my admiration for you grew bigger and bigger over time. When I found out you liked men I was so happy, even though I was convinced I’d never get the chance to talk to you. Turns out you had a boyfriend back then. Felt like shit, really. I always wondered what type of guy that lucky bastard was, how lucky he was to be dating someone as precious as you. If I had known that he was  _ old _ I wouldn't have been worried about my own age being an exclusion criteria.”

“Well, thanks”, Hank couldn't hold back the comment, hearing Gavin’s monologue loud and clear even without Connor putting him on speaker.

 

Gavin laughed quietly at Hank’s outburst, knowing the older one was the only reason he got to talk to Connor. He continued.

“I started being an active part of the community pretty early on, and one day you sent me a message asking me to become a moderator for the chat in your streams. You told me you had been seeing my effort of supporting you whenever you were busy, and that you appreciated it a lot. That was like the best day ever for me, you know. And then we started talking outside of the streams.”

“And you told me you were 20 and lived in the middle of nowhere”, Connor reminded him, trying to sound way less nostalgic then he felt.

 

It was the first time hearing those things from Gavin’s perspective, and he knew which part would follow next. The break-up.

“I did. I didn't want you be be weirded out by me, being an old fuck watching your videos and swooning over a boy that was only 18 when he started his channel. And we weren’t nowhere near close, so I thought you’d be uncomfortable with me living basically next door. Didn't want you to fear I’d show up on your front door being all creepy and shit.”

 

The older one breathed a couple of times. Probably collecting his words.

“For a long time nothing happened. One night, you called me on that stupid messenger we used back then, and I didn't pick up the first time thinking you accidentally touched that button. But then the second call came, and I started worrying if something had happened. I picked up and you asked me to just listen. You told me about Hank, your boyfriend, and that you two decided to call it quits. You said it was the right thing to do, but that doing it still hurt like crazy.”

“It was your birthday that night”, Connor remembered, he had ruined his moderators birthday by crying about stupid love things.

Of course he didn't know back then that it was his birthday, he still felt terrible when he found out.

 

“It was, and you unknowingly gave me the best present I could've hoped for. Your attention. That was also the night I found out about Hank’s age. I thought about correcting my own lies that I had been telling you. But I was so scared you wouldn't understand it. That you would hate me for deceiving you, so I decided to shut up. If I had known how things would turn out… well, I guess then I would've found a way to set things straight.”

“Did you know that Nines and Elijah were friends?”

“Sort of. They did some projects together, and I had met Nines before. So I assumed he had something to do with you, you know, with the two of you looking sort of identical.”

 

Connor knew there couldn't be much more, and a whispered “That’s all” from Gavin confirmed his guess.

“I’ll have to let all that sink in.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll hang up now.”

“Okay. I’ll wait for your call. I love you, Con.”

 

Connor pressed the red button on his screen, ending the call. He loved hearing those words from Gavin, but the times when they were said out loud so far had been difficult at best and catastrophic at worst.

“Told you he was scared about being honest”, Hank said, a somewhat smug grin on his lips.

“That still doesn't change the fact that he lied in the first place.”

“Don't tell me you  _ really _ need time to think about it”, the older man was surprised, not expecting this outcome.

“Of course I need time to think about it!”, Connor gasped, “Or did you think I would just say ‘I love you too’ like nothing happened?”

“Sort of, yeah.”

 

They stopped their argument when a big pile of fur entered the living room, wagging his tail from left to right and demanding some attention.

“Sumo!”

Connor jumped to his feet, and started busying himself with his favorite animal. He liked dogs.

“So, uh, I didn't think it was fitting to ask when you arrived”, Hank suddenly said in a serious tone, “But is there a reason why you came here with  _ this _ ?”

Hank pointed at Connor’s bag that had been dropped by the front door. Oh yeah, that.

“Nines doesn't want me home when our parents come over. I packed some stuff and left.”

“You’re spending the night”, Hank announced without leaving Connor any time to find another solution.

 

Sometimes the younger man just hated the concept of accepting help, so it was best to not give him the opportunity of coming up with random ideas. Getting a hotel, probably even sleeping under a  _ relatively safe bridge _ or something stupid like that. Hank wouldn't let him.

“I won’t bother you for long, just this night”, Connor promised with a sadness in his eyes that hurt Hank’s soul.

“You can stay as long as you want and need to.”

 

Connor stayed, like he promised that night only. Even with Hank against it he slept on the couch. Which, compared to a bridge, was more than decently comfortable. He woke up to the smell of coffee, and when he joined Hank in the kitchen he saw the two plates with fluffy pancakes on them.

“Sit down, I’m almost done.”

Connor seated himself on his usual chair, the one he had always used, the one that allowed him to watch the front door.

“I guessed you’d be hungry now that some of the fog in your mind has cleared.”

 

Hank couldn't have guessed how right he was. For once, Connor didn't start his breakfast by slowly sipping his coffee but immediately went for the pancakes after bathing them in chocolate sauce.

“Have you decided yet?”

He looked up from his plate, mouth filled with a sugary mess of dough and chocolate. It took him a moment to chew it enough to swallow it down.

“No, I’m not sure what to do with his confession, really.”

“Hm, alright. Thought you’d be overflowing with need to go see him again once you wake up”, the blue-eyed one shrugged.

“I am. But not enough to just forgive him.”

“There’s a German saying I picked up a while ago. It’s something like ‘Jump over your own shadow’.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”, Connor grinned, always surprised by Hank’s knowledge of foreign proverbs.

“It’s basically an encouragement to step out of your own comfort zone. And I think it applies to your situation well enough, so I thought I’d share.”

 

As poetic as the saying sounded, Connor didn't know if he was convinced yet. He loved Gavin, and Gavin loved him. But was their love strong enough to win against the disappointment and betrayal of trust? He didn't know. Time was the only help he had. After all, time was said to heal all wounds, right? Connor chuckled, realizing that one had been another of Hank’s sayings.

 

They finished their breakfast, and Connor headed home when Nines sent him a message that their parents had left again, and that Nines himself was not going to be home for the next couple days. It was more than alright to Connor, he had to finally end his sudden hiatus and apologize for making everyone worry. Now that his mind was a lot clearer he felt terrible about not even announcing the break, but that was in the past now. All he could do was proving himself with actions, not words.

 

As soon as he got home he went online, starting a 24 hour livestream he had spontaneously decided to do. Spontaneity wasn't what he did usually, but he supposed he was only trying to ‘jump over his own shadow’, as Hank had suggested. It felt wonderful, finally talking to everyone again and having some fun. Of course they didn't need to know what had happened, he instead settled for issues with the family. As it turned out, getting back into his schedule was harder than anticipated, and he struggled for a whole week to even get remotely close to his old ways and patterns. All while still trying go figure out what to do about his Gavin problem.

 

It was ten days after his talk with him, on October 6th, the day before Gavin’s birthday, that he decided. His love was stronger than a few hardships, and even though his heart would need a while to fully heal, he was ready to face this battle. Together with Gavin. His decision though felt bittersweet. It was a positive one, but clouded by the surprising autumn storms that had been haunting the city of Detroit for the last couple of days. He had luckily escaped another wave of rain, entering the house after needing to go outside when he managed to break his keyboard and was forced to buy a new one.

 

Nines was home he assumed, his car parked in their driveway. Not in the garage where it would usually be with weather conditions like these. Something was off, and Connor was afraid to find out what. Living with the older one after their parents visit was… difficult. Nines had developed the habit of wandering the hallways at night, restless and nervous. He started fights almost every time they crossed paths. Not fights like regular siblings had, no, his own, very special  _ Nines-fights _ . Terrible words and accusations were thrown at Connor, and the younger one felt a rage grow inside of him with every cruel comment. Hadn't he already suffered enough? What did he do to deserve this kind of treatment? He had always shown nothing but respect towards his older brother, but all he got in return was hatred and… what was that word Gavin had used once? 

 

_ … Abuse…? _

 

He walked passed the living room and saw Nines sitting on the couch, watching something - a documentary?- on their huge TV. He seemed occupied, and Connor skipped the greeting, knowing Nines hated having his focus interrupted. He made his way upstairs, bag with the new set of keyboard and mouse in hand, and opened his door. At least he tried to open it, since it didn't budge. Locked? He didn't lock it when he left, he knew that much. And besides himself there was only one person in his household, so finding the culprit was an easy task. He put the bag down in front of his door, and returned to where he had seen Nines.

 

“Did you lock my door?”, he asked upon entering the living room.

“Where are your manners, Connor? Not even a ‘hello’?”

“ _ Hello _ . Did you lock my door?”

A single sound, close to a  _ tsk _ left Nines’ mouth before he replied.

“Who else should’ve done it?”

“Why?”

“I wanted to talk to you, and I figured you wouldn’t stop by to see me if you had the chance to just go to your room.”

Connor looked at him as Nines gestured to the couch, commanding him to sit down next to his older brother. Connor didn’t comply.

“I don’t want to talk, there’s nothing to talk about.”

“There is. I want to know what happened to your Gavin situation.”

“Well”, Connor said, trying to sound unfazed, “I was going to see him now, so if you let me get in my room and change my clothes I’d appreciate it.”

“Too bad I don’t care what you would appreciate.”

The older man got up and straightened himself in front of his younger brother.

“You’re not going to see him again.”

“What?”, Connor breathed out, almost laughing hysterically. _ What was going on? _

“You heard me. I’m not letting you near him anymore. You’re my little brother, Connor”, Nines said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, “He’s just going to hurt you again. I’m only trying to protect you.”

 

A laugh escaped Connor’s mouth. For so many years he had envisioned Nines saying sweet words like these. He should’ve known that it would never be sincere. He gave up on it. Nines didn't have a single drop of love in him.

“Gavin loves me, unlike you. You don't care about me or my feelings, Nines. You just can't bear the thought of me being happy and finding love. It’s about control, isn't it?”

“Of course not”, Nines seemed to slightly lose his composure, it was a first, “I  _ do _ love you. We’re family, I only worry about your well-being.”

“Oh,  _ fuck you _ ”, Connor continued the streak of first times in their relationship, “If you cared, if you  _ really _ cared, you would've told me the truth about Gavin. But you let me walk right into my own demise! You’re not even close to loving. You’re selfish.”

 

There was a pregnant silence. Connor knew he was right, he had just never said it out loud. He wished the silence stayed.

“You dumb, pathetic...”, the older one noticeably attempted to keep this conversation from turning physical, if his trembling hands were any indication.

Connor interrupted him before Nines could settle on another horrible word he was about to call his sibling.

“Give me my damn key, I’m leaving.”

“Leaving  _ to where _ ?!”

Nines grabbed his younger brother by the collar of his shirt, pushing him against the closest wall and keeping him there with a strength that almost felt inhuman.

“Where would you even go?! You are  _ nothing _ ! Absolutely nothing! A  _ failure _ in every way possible! That’s why Mom and Dad barely come home, they avoid you at any cost! You’re a worthless waste of space…!”

 

Their foreheads were touching now, and Connor could feel Nines’ breath against his own face. No hints of alcohol, he wasn't drunk. He wasn't someone who turned impulsive under the influence. He was a monster by choice.

“Mom and Dad  _ do _ love me…!”, he whimpered, grunting frustratedly when his attempt of pushing Nines off of himself failed, “And I’m not letting you ruin my life anymore!”

“ _ Ruin your life?! _ I gave you everything you needed, you fucking ungrateful child!”

Connor struggled against the broader one of the two, trying to kick the brother he had feared his entire life. 

“Fucking let me go! I said I’m leaving! You can't stop me!”

Nines was furious, angry. This was a new side to him, the complete opposite to the calm act he usually put on. The smile curling his lips and the gleam in his eyes could only be described as maniac.

 

_ “If you leave now, there’s no coming back.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ♡( ◡‿◡ )


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